The forever partner I no more want

It’s not an easy task to identify these episodes but over the years I’ve begun to understand when this friend of mine makes a visit!! 

My first “realisation” started with my PPD!! It’s one of the worst phases I’ve been in my life!! The phase where I almost ended up a recluse, went into hiding - hiding from the world and myself!! I couldn’t identify myself, couldn’t understand what I was going through, asked for help but got criticised instead which made it even worse!! I’ve had episodes which I regret for life, because the victim of PPD is always the kid!! Somehow I could get a grip on myself and the urge to protect my child became my only source of sanity!!

These episodes got worse over time since life took a turn for the worst!! When the people that were to protect me turned to be the ones that hurt me in every sense, it was difficult to fathom that reality!! When the promise of “till the last breath” got replaced by “get out of my life, I’m done with you”, the fears of abandonment started taking roots!! “You’re useless, why don’t you die” added on every alternate days pushed me into being suicidal!! When I felt unheard, unloved and being avoided became everything I was facing on a daily basis for years, it pushed me further into recluse!!

It felt such a pressure to be normal and happy in front of others!! I couldn’t even tell my truth to the world because the “social image” I made for myself was that of “a happy life” but the reality was that I tried to remind myself of those happy moments since they were too few and too infrequent!! Since it was the life I chose for myself, it felt even more pressurised to portray that I made the right choice!! 

I don’t even know when and how I started slipping!! For years I drowned and nobody realised!! I doused those inner voices by immersing in mindless scrolling and binging on tv!! The long nights when there’s nothing to do became a nightmare!! Pulling through the day was doable because life is on a clock!! But the silence of the nights were greeted by the muffled screams into the pillows or a breakdown on the bathroom floors!! If felt like two separate personalities in me, the one that is fine and happy and social, the other that can’t wait to have the first one for a longer period of time!!

Luckily for me, (I believe it is the faith that I grew up in,) I felt the strength to stand up firm!! Yeah, I did have the rush to “prove them I’m alright” going on and so I did everything to set my life back on tracks!! I did spend about two years crying, feeing sorry for the life I couldn’t have, for all the collateral damages of the fight!! I saw my reputation being tarnished by the one that was “supposed” to be my protector!! And I couldn’t even react or respond to it, because “just because they stoop down doesn’t mean you stoop down to their level”!!

But once the strength hit, it made me feel good!! The  episodes reduced!! And now when there’s absolutely nothing to do, I finally am dealing with the residuals and realities of the decade long fight that I had fought!! And the trick my therapist taught me which I found the most helpful is “replace the word should”!!

“He “should” have loved me” becomes “it would be good if he would love me but he is not obligated to do it”

“They should have supported me” to “it would be better if they would support me but I can do it myself even if they don’t”

“I should be a good mother” to “I will strive to be a better mother than yesterday”

Everytime I removed the obligation on others and on myself, it felt a sense of liberation.. I hurt all these years because I felt people wronged me, people didn’t stand up for me, I didn’t stand up to the societal standards!! But these are self inflicted expectations which didn’t materialise and I punished myself for all these years because of some standards I set for myself!!

I’m not completely healed, this friend of mine makes occasional visits to remind me but all the sessions have helped me take the upper hand now!! I do have multiple of these friends - anxiety, depression, panic attacks!! But their grip on me is slowly off and I find myself in the happier personality more often than not and my second personality is super proud for not making the visit too often!!

We all go through life altering events, could be childhood trauma, could be adulthood issues, a broken marriage, childlessness or death of one, physical ailments, employment issues - the spectrum is too wide and any or many of them together can break us!! And it is very essential that we realise how weak and vulnerable we are and take the steps needed to help us navigate through life!!

Here’s to healing those damaged parts within ourselves 🥂