I thought I’d feel relieved, I’d feel overwhelmed, I’d feel ecstatic!! But to my surprise, I didn’t feel anything!! It was just another passing information, another list of things to do for me, for me to change my identity once again!!
The four years leading to the decree had seen me passing through all stages of grief!
Started off as shock and denial - it couldn’t be an end!! We’ve been having issues for years and we’ve had episodes where I was discarded and threatened with a divorce but I always went back!! So this time too it felt like this wasn’t an end but would have me going back to him! (So glad I decided to end the cycle) Afterall all that I had in life was the family I had made and I had to make it work!! (Thankfully I decided to make a happy family for the only person that mattered)
Then it was followed by pain and guilt!! The pain of having lost a decade, lost the life I had built in my head, the dream I dreamt of living!! I was filled with guilt and shame, how would I tell the world that I no more am married? How do I tell my son that he has just a parent that will be with him??
Once the pain subsided, Anger and bargaining took place.. anger at myself for staying too long in toxicity, bargained that if he loves you, he will understand your point of view and will also be willing to take steps to make it work!! Anger is best described as the mask of pain!! Because it’s easier to be angry at the world than discard that mask and show how hurt you are!! It’s easier to make the world hate you for your anger and justify being alone than having people walk over you over and over and put you through pain every time you open up!!
Depression was the close runner where I believe I haven’t seen the people in my house for days, haven’t spoken a word to anyone, barely ate, barely slept, always was either bawling or too tired to even shed a tear!! It went sadly for a bit too long!! Couple it with the lockdown and loss of job, it felt like the pit being dug deeper and deeper!! But I can’t thank the people enough that put it efforts out of their way to help me up!! Fortunately we could go to kerala during the time, it was such a gathering with everyone at home, cousins celebrating Onam, Diwali and Christmas, eating together almost everyday with someone or the other cooking “specials”, exploring nature and making core memories!! It was beautiful!! I had people that called me weekly just to say “beta, tu theek hai nA?” (Kiddo, you ok right?).. there were friends who kept and still keep pumping me with motivation every time they realise I am falling low!! And many of them no more are in touch on a regular basis but they’ve been my pillars when I needed them and I can’t thank the Heavens enough for having brought them to my life!!
Upward turn was the only way out!! Once all the motivation came in, life had no other place to go but towards the better!! And there I took the difficult step of investing a year and decently good enough money to get myself enrolled for higher education!! Lo and behold, #inkedbySPJ became true!! And in this duration, I also understood that the fantasy of “he will realise how much I love him and will want to work on this marriage” doesn’t hold true!! I heard the stories coming from far and wide and decided that the one that makes no effort to even be a part of his kid’a life but can go to any extent to destroy mine can never ever keep my son safe and happy!! That decision is all it took to sit down at the table to ask for a divorce! If I did have a chance, I’d fight for what i rightfully deserve but all that mattered was to close the chapter even if it meant agreeing to his terms one last time in my life!!
Reconstruction and working through happened once the steps towards the right direction was taken!! Got a job, got financially, physically and emotionally secure!! Got a bunch of people I know for sure wants to see me soar and has my back at all times, found my tribe, my voice, my identity and my life!!
Acceptance and hope happened even before the decree came!! I accepted the end of a decade that I would term “the unhappiest marriage ever possible” and I know and hope for the happiness I know I deserve!!
Sometimes it does feel bad, but it’s ok to be sad at times than having sadness as life!! Once you move towards the peak, you have a difficult path to cross, but the view from the top is worth the struggle!! And life is always the journey to reach the top, and the journey hasn’t been easy but it was made enjoyable with the right people at every stage of life!!
So when I received that decree on the 15th of July 2022, it didn’t feel anything great because I did experience a plethora of emotions to reach there and I not once will doubt that decision because in no universe would this work unless both of us were born with different personalities!! So it was the best decision and the glimmer of happiness on a daily basis keeps reminding me how it indeed was the best thing to do!!
