The big 30

Last year I had my friends call me at midnight, my sister and brother in law joining the call.. It was all fun and great, long conversation full of laughter.. The cherry on the cake was my son telling them to keep the phone because we have to sleep so that mummas birthday comes soon!!! I had people that matters sending me wishes and calls, it was good.. A quiet birthday when lockdown began, sending my plans of an office birthday with my team and subsequent plan with my friends into the drain!!! The most sad I feel is for the clothes and accessories I picked out, (nonetheless, dressed it out for my son's birthday)

I am a person who loves birthdays and all the attention and fun!! I look forward to birthdays of people I love to shower them with love and surprises, to gift them something I feel they would like or something they need.. And I look forward to someone doing the same for me!! Last few years, I put that nexus of making my birthday special on others and I've been more depressed knowing people barely even know its my birthday unless someone has a big display on Facebook!! I have hidden my birthday from all platform because I wish for people who loves me genuinely to be wishing me.. So taking things into my own hands, I made a birthday plan for myself, ordering my choice of cake, customized for me, gifting myself something I need and like, taking myself to a full day of fun!! Why need someone to fulfil your dreams when you're all that knows you to make you happy???

I had really big plans when I set off into my 20’s!! Being married at 21 wasn’t one but something happens unplanned!!  Although my plans of being a manager by 30 and commanding a senior management position has been deferred by a few years, I am finally on that path!! When marriage happened, my life’s plans changed to having a kid by 25 and the other by 30!! God blessed me with a beautiful healthy boy by 24 and circumstance deferred my second pregnancy!! So what I don’t have a human baby by 30, I have found my love and child in Drax, my Rot baby!! 

But fate is such a pain in the .... I fell in love with Drax seeing his pic but within a few hours of having him at arms reach, I lost him!! I couldn’t cuddle him or play with him!! My plans of feeding him, playing with him, being a strict parent, live life as a new mom, watching him and Joe grow together and being inseparable has washed down the drain!! I wanted Drax for many reason: an unconditional and assured love topping that list!! 

Such is life; we can’t plan it prior because life has a way of changing our plans!! This just reminds us that our plans are finally futile because nothing always works!! Here I wanted a grand celebration to share my joy of being a mom again with the family and I end up mourning the loss and celebrating the blessing of life!!

I did in fact  have a fun day starting with my cliche bday idea of a midnight surprise with balloons, sparkles and all!! Two of my friends dropped in to make my day brighter and special!! My family around to remind me I’m loved!! I couldn’t help but feel better knowing so many loves me!! It is an assurance we all need and I got mine when my bunch was around!! 

I have lost loved ones and few of my pets in the past yet every death comes with a reminder to celebrate each day!! No moment is guaranteed, no day is assured!! Yet we plan; that’s what “hope” does!! Let’s keep our hopes up to enjoy yet another year!! A beautiful day with family!! I matter to a few and they mean my world!! I couldn’t be more excited about growing older with a bunch of my loved ones around!! 

A few strands greyer, a few pounds heavier, a few bones weaker and a few emotions stronger: Life is to be celebrated because the next year is just an added bonus!! So don’t lose a chance to celebrate the small and big wins!!!

The questions that keeps me awake

Why do we need sadness to realise joy?

Why do we need hatred to understand love??

Why do we need sickness to know health?

Why do we need lows to treasure the highs??

Why do we need death to celebrate life?

Why do we need the bad to value the good??

Why can’t life be kind?

Why does it have to be so cruel??

Why can’t happiness be a part of life?

Why can’t life go smooth and well??

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The scars behind her smile!!!

Started at 19.. He pretended to be her best friend.. Slowly and gradually removing all the pillars of friends from her life.. Judging them, criticising them and making her choose between him and them knowing fully that she'll choose him.. At 19, naive and hopelessly the romantic category is such a danger area.. Friendship became best friends as quickly as four months and two more months later, he expressed his "LOVE" for her.. He learnt her dreams, her wishes, her vision of the one she wants to settle down with.. He played the part convincingly, clearly invoking compassion on his loving nature to his then girl friend and sacrificing nature for his friends.. She fell for him,  hard and on her face.. Everytime he argued and fought for doing something that pleases her, she left it instead of defending herself.. She felt he will be pleased with her, happy with her.. When she told him to choose between his then girl friend and her since she didn't want to be the other woman in his life, he broke up with his girlfriend.. And now, he blames her for having had to leave the girl he loved because she forced him to.. She, the naive and innocent teenager felt it was love, not knowing he was playing all along..

Within a year of being together, many fights later, he proposed marriage.. And the little girls heart fluttered.. She couldn't be happier than living her whole life with her bestie, her lover,  her protector, her everything!! But weeks before the wedding, he raised his hands on her for the first time and screamed on her face saying she's the reason for him to make a commitment he isn't ready for.. She was shattered.. At the young age of 21, she was ready to settle.. All preparation were done.. She was losing her mind.. She pleaded her mom to cancel the wedding.. But her mom didn't know the entire truth.. He apologized, she forgave.. She convinced herself that it's the pre marital jitters.. On the wedding day, he proudly announced how she's the "lottery winning" of his life.. She was excited, blushing and on top of the world, not realising he meant it quite literally, she wasn't more than just a win for him, a challenge that he gave himself and successfully attained..

Within some time she realised he only wants an obedient maid, not a friend or lover.. He wants a care taker to take care of him and all his needs.. It's always about him.. Speaking about her is not acceptable.. It's his decisions and her obedience.. She was slowly turning into a puppet losing herself.. When things seemed bleak,  she felt the presence of a young life would bring back the lost happiness.. How ignorant!!! It made things worse instead.. Now she had to take care of the little life inside too, without an iota of support, interest or compassion from him.. One he even told about destroying that little life, which he later apologized for as "words in anger".. Nonetheless, she believed that and let it go.. She felt he will love the kid when he sees the baby.. He never spoke to the unborn child, never touched the bump, the moving feelings of the baby used to give him creeps.. She didn't see it coming..

Once the baby was out, he used to state that the kid is too small to understand anything and hence never bothered to give the kid his time or attention.. He never showed any excitement of coming and seeing the kid when they were away.. She came back to her husband's house thinking that the presence of the kid would make him attached.. But she was wrong again.. Here, she had to take care of the kid without any help from the dad.. The dad washed the poop of the kid for the first time when he turned almost a year and half.. Never bathed the kid.. Never played with the kid..

But he does share pictures on facebook and whatsapp status' to show how much profound love he has for the kid.. He always plays nice, talks and laughs when he needs something and then turn indifferent once his needs are met.. She always fell for his loving nature not knowing that it's just a pretence, not the truth.. It's the carrot in front of the mule to motivate it to fulfil your needs..

Arguments became common,.. She began to fight for the life she visioned living with him.. But it was always pushed back.. When raised voices stopped controlling her, he began raising hands.. What began as twisting arms went on to pulling hair and then to slapping, hitting and kicking.. He's a football player, his kicks are pretty much strong especially when he kicks right on your lower back or stomach.. She felt the scars he left on her will make him feel sorry for what he has done but he only blamed her for provoking him to do it.. She still believed that things could be better.. Every time he post on facebook or whatsapp ending with a "love you ", she believed that love existed in her life.. But little did she know, it's his tactics for his fans and to garner likes and hear from the world his immense love for his wife.. The kid is 3.5.. It's still the mother's responsibility raising the kid, it's still the woman who needs to stay in control and not provoke.. She knows now what her place is in her life.. They chat, but limited to the family and related things.. When she tries to bring back love in the relationship by stating "I love you" to him, it's completely ignored.. Because, as a caretaker, expressing love isn't allowed.. She should ensure a smooth sailing family, take care of his parents, do all the things that needs to be done, raise the kid.. But her need of security, love, happiness need not be met..

Now she knows her life, Now she knows her place.. Now she knows what she wants.. And she's finally taken that step to break the chains!!

Religion

The more you start understanding logic the more you'll realize that religion is the basis of tying together millions of people with different ideologies and thoughts but a common belief of God!!

We humans named our Gods; we humans names ourselves a particular religion based on the name we chose for our God; we humans based our religion on a particular doctrine; we humans propagate the doctrine to the world!! And yet, it is us humans fighting with fellow humans to defend the God that we created!! Don't read me out of context, I am a staunch believer and I believe it is God that created me and is raising me up.. But it is that same God creating and raising the other fellow humans too.. What right does that give me to criticize another person created by my God because s/he calls my God with another name???

Why can't we all accept that just like our religion is precious to us, the others are equally precious to them.. All the doctrines follow the same principle "Love one another, do good to others!" The reward is different based on the doctrines we follow.. For us Christians the reward is in the after life while for some others it is to get good Karma (same again, our karma rewards us with Heaven).. If anyone teaches a religion that teaches differently then please open your eyes and check again.. 

It is us humans twisting the scriptures and instigating people to do things in the name of religion!! Why can't we all live harmoniously without competing on which religion is supreme?? Why does a religion need supremacy when God is the supreme power?? Why don't we understand that the God you believe in created the other person too; what right do you have to destroy it for that God?? 

Again, I accept atheism with the same fervour as religion.. There is enough logic to explain the onset of religion and the strong reason of myth and blind belief to follow a religion to ensure a smooth functioning of human kind and to ensure communal harmony.. But choosing to believe in a supreme power is my way of life and belief to keep me sane.. Respect each other's religious outlook rather than propogating your views to a point that gets instigating to counter it!! You need to only live the way you've been believing what your religion asks you to  and you'll experience the peace and happiness that divinity grants.. People can claim the same effects through meditation, but hey, whatever works for you!! 

Every religion has flaws (another sign that human interference has outgrown the divine powers) and we can work to fix ours over pointing fingers at another one.. Every belief, every practice has an explanation and it is up to us to respect it!!

As someone rightly said, "if the God that created you needs to be protected, He knows how to do it, don't act on His behalf!!" Let us not forget the principle of Love one another because thats the underlying principle that governs any religion.. I don't believe any God asks His followers to hate or do bad to another one, because a Father/Mother can never hurt their child no matter how much they disagree.. 

In this era where social media is growing leaps and bounds and is used effectively in every manner to propagate lots of ideas and is instigating a lot of people to use the platform to go extreme lengths to pull another God down to put theirs on a pedestal, you who's reading this, please pause and take a moment.. Let us be the ones to end something wrong than carrying the torch and burning bridges still!!! Hindu Muslim rift has been attributed as "Divide and rule policy" of the Britishers and this is taught to each of us in our History class under our freedom fighting struggles.. We are still falling for the same policy by groups taking benefit of the rift even in the current times.. 

God has nothing to lose or gain with a communal war but many others have too many agenda behind this!! A peaceful community is the ultimate aim of Every religion!! So think wisely about what are you acting on for His name??

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