To have loved and lost

People always wonder “Is it better to have loved and lost than having never loved at all?”

Well, I have been in love, in more than one occasion in my life and that probably gives me an insight given my overthinking on the subject!!

The first love happened at 19.. All I set out was with the fantasy of love!! I just imagined a life straight out of the multitudes of novels I’d drowned myself in!! So I poured it all!! Falling in love with my best friend was all I ever wanted and it happened!! So much so that I had my fairy tale wedding with the man I had fallen in love with!! It was beautiful until reality struck in!! But it was naive and innocent and true in every sense!! I felt butterflies with him!! He would make me laugh and I would laugh whole heartedly as I never had known heart wrenching pain before him!! It was sweet, innocent and the purest love I had experienced in my life!!

Well, it unfortunately didn’t last and had the most painful ending, the aftermath of it still lingering even after half decade of it ending!!

Well, obviously then the heart gets cautious of the people it will let inside after that!! But loneliness coupled with “hope” sometimes makes you do things and getting on to the online platform felt like a sensible decision!! And obviously after months of chatting with a bunch of people, I found the “male” version of me (well to a great extent)!! A kind, innocent, full of life and wearing heart on his shoulders, he patiently waited and made me comfortable enough to let my guards down!! I finally had someone care for me, show concern, reach out to me, have my back!! Well, I couldn’t have been more happier than when I was with him!! I finally began to laugh as I used to!! I began doing things I really had enjoyed!! I felt supported, I was guided, I finally had someone to have any mundane conversation with, someone to wish me a “good morning”, someone to check on me, someone who learnt about me each day and made my fantasy a reality!! Well, I lived a dream with him!!

Sadly, not all good things last and this ran its course!!

But I still am reminded of the fact that I had been loved right, and loved deeply, if only for a short while!! And it’s a bliss!! I remember him fondly!! 

Love happened in its own time, it was good and the good times were worth remembering!! And I wish those exes of mine the best because once you have genuinely loved someone, you can never wish anything bad, no matter how they might have hurt you!! Sometimes the pain of loss is too gripping and I wished I hadn’t fallen in love so hard, well, falling in love is never in your control and I can never love half hearted!! So the pain is bound to follow!! But those days when I felt alive, safe and happy is totally worth it!!

It’s better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all!! Because those moments are memories that reminds you the beauty of life and how it feels to be alive!! And I’m sure someday that love will knock the doors again, maybe this time to stay longer!! But yes, I’ve experienced love in my late teens and early thirties, both were different but both of them has changed me for the better and I wouldn’t want to change anything of it!! Don’t let love slip away, people spend a lifetime searching for it, so once you’ve found it, make efforts to keep it!!

Home

Home is the place you feel safe and comfortable the most!!

The place you can be yourself and not have to have any pretence or mask on!!

It’s the place you come back to, the place you rest!!

It’s the place you find peace!!

And no matter how much you try to make a space your home, there seems something amiss when the comfort and security goes missing!!

No matter how you decorate or what renovation project you undertake, a place can never truly be your home unless you find peace in those four walls!!

People say that you can’t sleep in a new place because it’s an unfamiliar place.. imagine that feeling of unfamiliarity in the place you’ve stayed for decades!!

Then where do you turn to?? Whom do you run to?? When your “home” doesn’t feel like “home” anymore..

Where the place just fills you up with grief and the loneliness haunts you?

Where the place just brings you to the reality of how alone you truly are!!

The place becomes the nightmare you want to numb yourself off!!

The place reeked of laughter and life but now it somehow just got quieter.. 

All because the reason I return home everyday is missing for a few days!!

My home is the person that makes me feel complete, gives me a reason to return, shares strength and brings a smile!! He gives me peace!! His presence gives me fulfilment!! 

And it’s saddening that a 9 year old burdens the responsibility of being the “home” for his mom!!