Seeking help!!

If you know me, you’d know how much of a happy life I have!! I am definitely blessed, doing well, have an amazing child, supportive parents, an amazing family, super fun friends, on my way to achieve all the dreams I have had and doing pretty well in life!!

And yet, in those long days and even longer nights, I still feel helpless!! I don’t have a desire to get out of the bed!! I don’t eat nor sleep!! I don’t even shower to be honest!! And I postpone everything I should be doing!! The only thing that gets my energy back is having my kiddo around and having some place to be or some activity to do!!

I understand that keeping myself occupied is my way of staying sane and having nothing to do drives me crazy!! I know, it’s kinda the dream of many to have days where you can afford to do nothing!! But guess I like those days in between the busy days!! Uncertainty of “how many more such days” kills me from inside!!

Reminded me of all the things I loved doing and yet don’t do anymore despite having days at my disposal!! Have hours and yet don’t watch the movie I have been wanting to watch!! Arranged my books but didn’t pick out one to read in the whole week!! Started organising but have left things scattered instead of putting them away!! That brought out the thought, guess something is very wrong with me and I need help!!

This identification that we need help is something we lack in our lives!! We feel that when everything is going well, there’s no reason to feel sad or empty!! But these feelings happen!! And that’s when we need to ask for help!! Something that I am trying to fit in is make a schedule, have a routine and follow it like clock work!! And make up plans to catch up with as much people as possible since I’ve understood that people make me happy, loner isn’t my comfort zone!!

Maybe there are people out there too who are going through similar emotions!! There would be people not realising something is wrong or maybe they’ve realised it but unable to take any steps to getting help!! 

Dear friend,

I know it is difficult to ask for help, to accept your vulnerability especially when you’ve been strong for a long part of your life!! Maybe it’s time to stop being strong and take that rest, take that helping shoulder, the ears to listen to your version of life!! It’s when you’ve been too strong for a long time that your inner self gives way!! They’re tired!! Give them rest!!! You’re sure to soar back in your strength!! You don’t have to be vulnerable in front of everyone, just find that right safe space!! A therapist, counsellor, a friend: find what works for you!! But do take that help!! Because there’s nothing heroic about battling alone and losing it at the end!! 

I was talking to a friend today about movies and that I like SRK.. N accidentally stumbled upon Dear Zindagi on YouTube.. I'd watched it when it released, but long forgotten.. Now when I watched it again: the words of Jug is exactly what I need, what we need.. 

Seeking help isn't wrong, and there's no one size fits all concept!! Each of us dealing with our issues needs to find that right glove that helps us!!

I hope you do find your strength to ask for help if and when you need it!! There’s nobody that can be strong all through!! And you don’t have to be an exception!!

Let’s strive to accept the importance of mental health and work on improving it!!

Now I know!!

When I was a kid, it hurts so bad when you never came home for days on ends, when I didn’t see you for many days!

Now I know that you were busy with providing a life for us and that kept you away!! 

When I was a kid, I thought you never cared when you punished us for mistakes we made..

Now I know that you did that to correct us!!  

When I was a kid, I thought you never loved us when you scolded us for making noise while you slept!!  

Now I know that you were exhausted and you just needed a few minutes of rest!! 

When I was a kid, I felt you are heartless when you never stepped in to help some times when I was struggling.. 

Now I know that you taught me to stand up and be the confident independent person I am through that!!  

When I was a kid, I felt you did not cherish the time with us because you were always busy and stuck with "things to do"..  

Now I know that "things-to-do" never ends and you made time whenever you could!  

When I was a kid, I thought you were super human!! 

Now I know you both were just humans who were struggling everyday at life and trying to do the best you could.  

When I was a kid, I could not think beyond myself!!  

Now that I am a mom (and a dad), I know what selflessness means because now i know that you have been selfless in what you have done all these years!!  

When I was a kid, I always wanted to grow up!!  

Now I know that childhood was the best phase!!

The year that passed by!

The year 2022 is nothing short of magical!!

I learnt more about me, evolving into a better and stronger version of me!! Feel more empowered, stronger, happier and confident!! And ended up adding a couple of people more into my list of “friends to keep for life”!

This year taught me that silent confidence no more works!! Be brave, be bold, speak up for what you believe is right, speak up when you disapprove!! Don’t live to please everyone but just focus on being happy!! Obviously, not to hurt people for selfish reasons but when it’s your happiness or others, think about yourself too with the same care you show others!!

I learnt to put myself first, I discovered myself in many aspects, changed a few perspectives about life, made a few mistakes, and learnt how to be assertive!! 

There’s an enormous empowerment when it comes to self love and I can’t believe the confidence I have developed this year!! Yeah, I’m a ball of mush at times but I learnt how to navigate myself!! I learnt what I can tolerate and what I don’t accept!! I took a trip to an unconventional place and discovered my love for travelling.. I did outdoor activities, watched stand up, plays and went dancing and discovered I enjoy these activities!! Discovered few good shows and books!

This year helped me grow, find out about myself and taught me to stand up for myself instead of tolerating everything!! People pleasing wasn’t as good as I grew up believing it to be, it’s ok not to be liked by everyone!  I did stay cordial with everyone, though not friends!! And I discovered I feel ok knowing people dislike me!! The old me would go to great lengths to change their opinion, now I respect their choices and am “unapologetically” my unique self!!

So proud of myself and grateful to the people that were pillars for my transformation giving me strength, validation, support when I falter and loads of love and motivation!! I hope and pray that the coming years helps each of us evolve into better and brighter versions of ourselves!!

Love and wishes for a prosperous, healthy and successful 2023,

BB

Thought train 1

Strength

There’s a lot hiding behind that smile!

There’s a load of sorrow behind that strength!!

People see the courage, people appreciate the resilience!!

But nobody can see those long nights that cease to end!!

Nobody understands how hard you try to over accomplish to make up for your insecurities!!

Nobody realises that every uncertainty fills you up with anxiety and you just hope that the earth would just swallow you instead!!

The insomnia, the anxiety, the stress, the insecurity has given the strength to smile again, to brave those feelings and rise again!!

As someone said, just because you carry it well doesn’t mean it isn’t heavy! 

But strength lies in smiling despite the pain and carrying on despite the exhaustion!!

Doing something for the first time!!

Do you remember the excitement of the child that saw the mirror for the first time and realised it was their own reflection there??

Do you remember how they cringed nibbling on the lime slice?

Do you recollect how every new sense of smell, sight, feel, taste and hearing made them squeal with joy??

And then they stumbled upon Cocomelon most probably!!

But when did we do something for the first time and enjoy the excitement, fear and every other emotion that comes along? During our Design Thinking class our Professor asked us “When was the last time you did something new?” Luckily a few saved the face of the batch and had learnt something like Salsa etc in the recent past!! But I couldn’t recollect when did I ever take up the challenge of doing something and instead have been trying to make a secured routine for me!!

And then amidst the Project reports, assignments, presentation, case studies and placement comes along the leadership lab which supposedly was to be at Khandala but instead was in such nooks of the campus we’ve never discovered!! Oh yeah, it definitely was colder than Khandala and we did have the whole bunch in it’s best unhinged self which was a pretty good experience!!

But the highlight would definitely be the opportunity to step into the Bhavna’s Nature and Adventure camp where I’ve always seen the peacock welcoming us, amazingly cute dogs tempting me to go and pet them, chipmunks jumping about the whole place and the noises of the different birds within the premise and the wild ones visiting!! This time we not only were allowed to see the many more living beings within the premise (including, not limited to turtles, rabbits, fishes and snakes) but we also were given the first hand experience on many outdoor adventures!!

I’m the kind that turns my back on any activity be it indoor or outdoor!! I vividly remember bowling for the first time!! Everytime we’ve been out, I always back out and let others take the game, but the first time I was asked to try it, I loved it!! But otherwise, I never ever try my hand at anything that involves height or physical exertion!!

Our first activity was Rock climbing!! And for the first time in my life I didn’t feel scared nor felt like running away!! I felt confident to just “try it out” which never has been my first reaction in my whole lifetime!! 25 feet wall seemed impossible, but all I told myself was “do as much as you can, and then two more” and that’s what I did!! I did what I could and then pushed myself two more!! And I did give up when my fingers seemed to give up!! But the security that someone was holding on gave me strength!! I was definitely pulled up a couple of steps but then the feeling of climbing up that podium gave a new sense of confidence!! 

The next was Rappeling!! I trusted gravity to pull me down and so I just let go!! Although in the struggle of climbing down in a certain angle I did lose a shoe and was a pretty laughable incident climbing down with one shoe, I am sure it’s gonna be a memory not just for me but the two that watched my comic and laughed with me!! 

I loved the rifle!! Showed me I have precision because all three shots were almost on the same point though miles (exaggerated) away from the A4 sheet called Target, and yeah it did have markings and bulls eye which I couldn’t ever aim!! Gonna practice shooting though!!

The next thing was team building games which were fun.. And then the whole task of multiple challenging activities which were a mixed bag of excitement, fear and ending with the zipline where I felt so proud of myself for doing all those activities whithout even having a hesitation of a moment.

I have always been a person who likes to be always on the safe ground (which generally means standing on the ground). But I am surprised at myself and even proud that I did not hold back myself and took the leap of "trying it out". There is a great thrill and excitement of doing things for the first time, so why not take some time out to do something that you always have wanted to do!! And yeah, this past year I did many things for the first time, be it singing in public, dancing (and discovering I like them), cooking new recipes and now outdoor activities too.. Life is short, live with no regrets!! Enjoy the thrill and excitement of doing something new, even if it means trying a new cuisine or dish! You may end up feeling happy or learning a lesson, but definitely it is something worth. Peace and love!

How are you?

“Hey, how are you?”

This is the first question in any normal conversation!!

It’s that question none of us answer honestly!!

Hey, I’m broken!! I’m sad, upset and have no energy at life!!

Hey, I’m tired!! Don’t even have the energy to do anything!!

Hey, I’m so in pain, I can literally feel the heaviness and pain in my chest!!

Hey, I have somehow gotten myself up from bed!!

Hey, I’ve not felt peace in a long time!

Hey, I’ve not slept well due to overwhelming thoughts!!

Hey, I’m just scraping it a day at a time!

Hey, I’m holding up barely!!

Yet, we all choose to say,

“Doing well bro, going on!! You say, wassup!! How are you?”