My tiff with Divinity

God and I had a very personal connection while growing up!! Somehow I always felt blessed in every sense of the world and it was all bestowed upon me and not my own being!!

I am blessed with a healthy body, a smart mind, a loving family, decently good looks, pleasant personality and an ability to gel well!! None of these things were learnt by me nor was anything strived for!! It was all given to me!!

But when the only thing that I worked hard for, that I put my whole heart into failed to work out, I lost my connect with God!! I blamed the supreme power for that failure, that pain, that torture!! I blamed Him/Her for putting me through something S/He knew had no future!! I stopped praying!! The only conversation was “why did you put me through this pain? Why do I have to go through this torture? Why do I go through his heart break and feel my heart break every moment?? Why do I have to deal with the after shock even years into the main event??”

And I hated the Almighty and thought this lovers tiff is permanent!!

And then my therapist told me to start maintaining a gratitude journal!! From “I stayed alive today” to a list flowing through a page, life has brought me to a realisation that I have too many things I take for granted which are blessings when viewed through someone else’s perspective!! And I should be grateful for what I have!!

This has brought me back into a connection with God!! And this time I also would say that it’s just Grace that I have become who I am!! If I found strength during adversity, it’s because I found the right people that stood by me and brought me up!! And nobody would have been there had there not been someone above that brought them there at the first place!! 

From strangers to being my support, these people helped me up!! And I have faced adversity, standing strong and ready for every challenge!! The confidence I have is gifted, the resilience I boast about is given by the strength that’s given to me when the scripture tells me “I’m there”!! 

Yeah, we do have a shaky relationship, and that’s true for every relationship!! But I guess this tiff helped me get closer and understand God a bit better!!

Fortune favours the brave

When life seems to be a hell, there are many options that falls before us:

* either we burn inside the fire

* either we learn to live with the fire

* or we learn to raise ourselves up from the fire!!

And the greatest courage a person needs is the bravery to step up and out from the Hell that life has become!!

It doesn’t mean that walking out is easy: it is painful, the scars take a lifetime to heal; it takes a lot of efforts to unlearn life and relearn it and make it something drastically different from the life that you were accustomed to!!

It requires a conscious choice to understand what happened to you, take the help to heal and then move on to the next path in life!!

It is a very time consuming process because you need to unlearn the life you’ve had!! You need to unlearn living with fear!! You need to unlearn looking over your shoulder!! You need to unlearn that anxiety!! You need to unlearn life as you got trained into over a long period of time!!

And when you unlearn, you realise how messed up your life had become!! You realise how much you were living life in a wrong manner!! You realise how it messed up not just your emotional health but also your physical one!!

And then you take those baby steps towards undoing life!!

You do something that becomes a first step towards correcting your life!! I took a degree, ended relationships that didn’t work for me, took help for my emotional well being and some bits here and there!!

And it feels so good seeing life unfurl in a better manner, feels satisfying to have bagged a good job, feels confident standing up for yourself!!

And it’s an exhilarating and liberating feeling!!

You realise that the years have been life changing and the Hell actually helped you become stronger and resilient!! And you become confident enough to face any adversity that falls your way!!

All it needs is that first step, the first step through your uncertainty, the first step through your fears, the first step through the indecisiveness!! Because the path automatically reveals when you take that step of faith.. And that path always leads to greatness!!

The forever partner I no more want

It’s not an easy task to identify these episodes but over the years I’ve begun to understand when this friend of mine makes a visit!! 

My first “realisation” started with my PPD!! It’s one of the worst phases I’ve been in my life!! The phase where I almost ended up a recluse, went into hiding - hiding from the world and myself!! I couldn’t identify myself, couldn’t understand what I was going through, asked for help but got criticised instead which made it even worse!! I’ve had episodes which I regret for life, because the victim of PPD is always the kid!! Somehow I could get a grip on myself and the urge to protect my child became my only source of sanity!!

These episodes got worse over time since life took a turn for the worst!! When the people that were to protect me turned to be the ones that hurt me in every sense, it was difficult to fathom that reality!! When the promise of “till the last breath” got replaced by “get out of my life, I’m done with you”, the fears of abandonment started taking roots!! “You’re useless, why don’t you die” added on every alternate days pushed me into being suicidal!! When I felt unheard, unloved and being avoided became everything I was facing on a daily basis for years, it pushed me further into recluse!!

It felt such a pressure to be normal and happy in front of others!! I couldn’t even tell my truth to the world because the “social image” I made for myself was that of “a happy life” but the reality was that I tried to remind myself of those happy moments since they were too few and too infrequent!! Since it was the life I chose for myself, it felt even more pressurised to portray that I made the right choice!! 

I don’t even know when and how I started slipping!! For years I drowned and nobody realised!! I doused those inner voices by immersing in mindless scrolling and binging on tv!! The long nights when there’s nothing to do became a nightmare!! Pulling through the day was doable because life is on a clock!! But the silence of the nights were greeted by the muffled screams into the pillows or a breakdown on the bathroom floors!! If felt like two separate personalities in me, the one that is fine and happy and social, the other that can’t wait to have the first one for a longer period of time!!

Luckily for me, (I believe it is the faith that I grew up in,) I felt the strength to stand up firm!! Yeah, I did have the rush to “prove them I’m alright” going on and so I did everything to set my life back on tracks!! I did spend about two years crying, feeing sorry for the life I couldn’t have, for all the collateral damages of the fight!! I saw my reputation being tarnished by the one that was “supposed” to be my protector!! And I couldn’t even react or respond to it, because “just because they stoop down doesn’t mean you stoop down to their level”!!

But once the strength hit, it made me feel good!! The  episodes reduced!! And now when there’s absolutely nothing to do, I finally am dealing with the residuals and realities of the decade long fight that I had fought!! And the trick my therapist taught me which I found the most helpful is “replace the word should”!!

“He “should” have loved me” becomes “it would be good if he would love me but he is not obligated to do it”

“They should have supported me” to “it would be better if they would support me but I can do it myself even if they don’t”

“I should be a good mother” to “I will strive to be a better mother than yesterday”

Everytime I removed the obligation on others and on myself, it felt a sense of liberation.. I hurt all these years because I felt people wronged me, people didn’t stand up for me, I didn’t stand up to the societal standards!! But these are self inflicted expectations which didn’t materialise and I punished myself for all these years because of some standards I set for myself!!

I’m not completely healed, this friend of mine makes occasional visits to remind me but all the sessions have helped me take the upper hand now!! I do have multiple of these friends - anxiety, depression, panic attacks!! But their grip on me is slowly off and I find myself in the happier personality more often than not and my second personality is super proud for not making the visit too often!!

We all go through life altering events, could be childhood trauma, could be adulthood issues, a broken marriage, childlessness or death of one, physical ailments, employment issues - the spectrum is too wide and any or many of them together can break us!! And it is very essential that we realise how weak and vulnerable we are and take the steps needed to help us navigate through life!!

Here’s to healing those damaged parts within ourselves 🥂

The magic of forgiveness!!

The biggest challenge for any person ever is to “forgive”!

I mean, sounds easy but so difficult to practice!! But how can you forgive someone that destroyed you intentionally?? How can you forgive someone that lied to your face?? How can you forgive someone that hurt you- physically and emotionally?? How can you forgive someone that manipulated you?? How can you forgive someone that ruined “trust” for you?? How can you forgive someone that sent you for therapy for life?? How can you forgive someone that put you into a life term association with depression, anxiety and gave you trust issues and a fear of abandonment??

Never ever was my answer !!

But I realised that I could do it!! 

Despite what happened to me, I could pray for them!! I could pray that they get better!! I wouldn’t lie, I’m no saint so I did wish for horrible things on them during my loudest cries!! But as those cries settled, I realised that bad things happening to others doesn’t make my life better in any manner!! Wishing bad on others doesn’t make me happy!! Seeing others in pain doesn’t give me peace!! Rather it hurts me!! 

Those that hurts you does so because of their lack of conscience!! They will not regret anything because they’ve not wronged anyone in their conscience!! So bad things happening to them will not put them in any after thought!!

The longer I held on to my pain, the longer I had others in control of my life!! And I don’t want anyone to have that control on me!! Anger and hatred doesn’t destroy anyone but ourselves!!

And so I let go!! Call it karma, call it Gods wrath, call it anything; if they’re meant to face the music of their actions, they will! “Consequential punishment” will happen if and when it’s to happen!! I don’t need to hold on to the grudge, the hatred, the pain!! Because I learnt that I could move on and get better only once I’d forgiven! 

And I did!! And it brought peace, it brought more rigour in me to set my life straight!! Because I didn’t want to have a better life to shown anyone down but because I have the capability in me and I deserve a better life!!

As a friend of mine told me, “you have the will power, you can make things happen if you want to!”, that will power needed the entire energy I have and couldn’t waste it brooding over negativity!!

They say forgive and forget, well to forget is impossible !! That will always stay a scar in life!! Doesn’t mean it will hurt, it stays a reminder of what you’ve endured, a reminder of your strength, a reminder of your resilience, a reminder of your spirit of fighting, a reminder of your walk into victory!!

Seeking help!!

If you know me, you’d know how much of a happy life I have!! I am definitely blessed, doing well, have an amazing child, supportive parents, an amazing family, super fun friends, on my way to achieve all the dreams I have had and doing pretty well in life!!

And yet, in those long days and even longer nights, I still feel helpless!! I don’t have a desire to get out of the bed!! I don’t eat nor sleep!! I don’t even shower to be honest!! And I postpone everything I should be doing!! The only thing that gets my energy back is having my kiddo around and having some place to be or some activity to do!!

I understand that keeping myself occupied is my way of staying sane and having nothing to do drives me crazy!! I know, it’s kinda the dream of many to have days where you can afford to do nothing!! But guess I like those days in between the busy days!! Uncertainty of “how many more such days” kills me from inside!!

Reminded me of all the things I loved doing and yet don’t do anymore despite having days at my disposal!! Have hours and yet don’t watch the movie I have been wanting to watch!! Arranged my books but didn’t pick out one to read in the whole week!! Started organising but have left things scattered instead of putting them away!! That brought out the thought, guess something is very wrong with me and I need help!!

This identification that we need help is something we lack in our lives!! We feel that when everything is going well, there’s no reason to feel sad or empty!! But these feelings happen!! And that’s when we need to ask for help!! Something that I am trying to fit in is make a schedule, have a routine and follow it like clock work!! And make up plans to catch up with as much people as possible since I’ve understood that people make me happy, loner isn’t my comfort zone!!

Maybe there are people out there too who are going through similar emotions!! There would be people not realising something is wrong or maybe they’ve realised it but unable to take any steps to getting help!! 

Dear friend,

I know it is difficult to ask for help, to accept your vulnerability especially when you’ve been strong for a long part of your life!! Maybe it’s time to stop being strong and take that rest, take that helping shoulder, the ears to listen to your version of life!! It’s when you’ve been too strong for a long time that your inner self gives way!! They’re tired!! Give them rest!!! You’re sure to soar back in your strength!! You don’t have to be vulnerable in front of everyone, just find that right safe space!! A therapist, counsellor, a friend: find what works for you!! But do take that help!! Because there’s nothing heroic about battling alone and losing it at the end!! 

I was talking to a friend today about movies and that I like SRK.. N accidentally stumbled upon Dear Zindagi on YouTube.. I'd watched it when it released, but long forgotten.. Now when I watched it again: the words of Jug is exactly what I need, what we need.. 

Seeking help isn't wrong, and there's no one size fits all concept!! Each of us dealing with our issues needs to find that right glove that helps us!!

I hope you do find your strength to ask for help if and when you need it!! There’s nobody that can be strong all through!! And you don’t have to be an exception!!

Let’s strive to accept the importance of mental health and work on improving it!!

Now I know!!

When I was a kid, it hurts so bad when you never came home for days on ends, when I didn’t see you for many days!

Now I know that you were busy with providing a life for us and that kept you away!! 

When I was a kid, I thought you never cared when you punished us for mistakes we made..

Now I know that you did that to correct us!!  

When I was a kid, I thought you never loved us when you scolded us for making noise while you slept!!  

Now I know that you were exhausted and you just needed a few minutes of rest!! 

When I was a kid, I felt you are heartless when you never stepped in to help some times when I was struggling.. 

Now I know that you taught me to stand up and be the confident independent person I am through that!!  

When I was a kid, I felt you did not cherish the time with us because you were always busy and stuck with "things to do"..  

Now I know that "things-to-do" never ends and you made time whenever you could!  

When I was a kid, I thought you were super human!! 

Now I know you both were just humans who were struggling everyday at life and trying to do the best you could.  

When I was a kid, I could not think beyond myself!!  

Now that I am a mom (and a dad), I know what selflessness means because now i know that you have been selfless in what you have done all these years!!  

When I was a kid, I always wanted to grow up!!  

Now I know that childhood was the best phase!!

The year that passed by!

The year 2022 is nothing short of magical!!

I learnt more about me, evolving into a better and stronger version of me!! Feel more empowered, stronger, happier and confident!! And ended up adding a couple of people more into my list of “friends to keep for life”!

This year taught me that silent confidence no more works!! Be brave, be bold, speak up for what you believe is right, speak up when you disapprove!! Don’t live to please everyone but just focus on being happy!! Obviously, not to hurt people for selfish reasons but when it’s your happiness or others, think about yourself too with the same care you show others!!

I learnt to put myself first, I discovered myself in many aspects, changed a few perspectives about life, made a few mistakes, and learnt how to be assertive!! 

There’s an enormous empowerment when it comes to self love and I can’t believe the confidence I have developed this year!! Yeah, I’m a ball of mush at times but I learnt how to navigate myself!! I learnt what I can tolerate and what I don’t accept!! I took a trip to an unconventional place and discovered my love for travelling.. I did outdoor activities, watched stand up, plays and went dancing and discovered I enjoy these activities!! Discovered few good shows and books!

This year helped me grow, find out about myself and taught me to stand up for myself instead of tolerating everything!! People pleasing wasn’t as good as I grew up believing it to be, it’s ok not to be liked by everyone!  I did stay cordial with everyone, though not friends!! And I discovered I feel ok knowing people dislike me!! The old me would go to great lengths to change their opinion, now I respect their choices and am “unapologetically” my unique self!!

So proud of myself and grateful to the people that were pillars for my transformation giving me strength, validation, support when I falter and loads of love and motivation!! I hope and pray that the coming years helps each of us evolve into better and brighter versions of ourselves!!

Love and wishes for a prosperous, healthy and successful 2023,

BB