To my dearest dear,
Thats how all my letters all these years to you were addressed.. I am old school, i believe in the magic of letters and i dropped you one here and there through these nine years of being together!!
The second last one i guess was 8 months ago when I wrote you this promise on the occasion of our 8 years of being together
"Before the day ends, 8 years ago you proposed a 19 year old for marriage.. I was so smitten by you, i agreed.. When the practical part of marriage came, I faltered.. Things brought us apart.. But somehow somewhere inside me that 19 year old lives which still believes in you, still sees magic in you, still blushes talking about you, still crazily loves you.. Things aren't good but I believe we can be better.. No matter how many time I say I don't love you, I can't convince myself to stop loving you.. I still do, have always done and I guess I'll still do.. Time, circumstances and reactions have brought us apart.. Choosing you was my choice just as loving you was.. There is a reason we came together and that I don't believe is only to create this small life.. We have a bigger purpose together and we need to be together.. Life will have more ups and downs.. Today I make a promise to you and to myself, never again will I ever speak of separation from you.. No matter how difficult, we will make it work.. If need arises, we will not talk for a day.. But no night shall we sleep separate, no fight shall make us far.. This is my pledge for the year to come, to try making our marriage better and to find that love which we have forgotten.. I love you..
I've spoken my heart out after a long time.. Feels nice.. I miss my best friend.. Can I have him back as my new year gift?"
You were courteous enough to say "Thank you"
6 days later, after our 6th wedding anniversary I sent you the following which for me was my last letter so far!!
"After a lot of deliberation I'm typing this to you..
I feel uncared for, unloved and totally blocked out.. I feel I'm remembered only when you have some need.. I'm not your priority and nor is Joshua.. We don't have any love shared, just obligation.. You asked me why I'm not feeling well, it's bcz I feel unwanted.. I feel I'm taken for granted.. I feel like a robot having to do the chores without anything received in return.. I believe we can make our marriage work provided you're ready to work on it too.. Just like I have put Joe and you as my priority, I want to be yous too.. Let me know if you can do that.. If not, then plz don't bother me with things you need.. If I can't be importance for you, I'm sorry by can't make you my importance too.."
This was un responded to just like all the "I love you's" I sent you!
Then after our fights when you totally cut contact with me for a whole month and you posted some science formula and my favorite song on Facebook as a birthday wish I replied this to you "I hope you found happiness with all these likes and comments.. Your entire reason of this post is to garner likes and portray yourself as a desirable person.. How come you love me and yet haven't had a talk with me in a month? How come I have no idea about your whereabouts?? How come your last seen is hidden?? How come you don't feel the urge to see your son in the last one month, nor even speak to him?? How come we are neglected?? How come your dad tell me that we're getting divorced when you land back when at the same time you're posting "love you " on facebook?? How come you and your dad raise your hands on me when you claim n exaggerate your love?? How come you turn a beast in the house and portray me as crazy for the world?? How come you love me but facebook friends see it on the wall more than I ever realize off screen? How come I'm lonely, crying and battling depression when I have someone to love me? If you have no feelings in real life, when you don't want me or Joshua, why are you posting such false shit on facebook?? If you had any feelings, you'd have realized you've not seen Joshua in a month, your priority would have been better.. Don't know what you trying to prove but if it's to play once more with my emotions, I want you to understand that I'm not falling for this trick again.. I know you don't love me, I know the post is only because you're very good with words. But I'm not falling for it anymore.. I'm sure you've got lots of people impressed reading about your vast love for me.. These eight years of being with you taught me the true nature of you.. I'm an idiot who didn't see this coming.. It's the same history, repeating eight years later.. Yes, I'm damaged, yes I'm depressed, yes I'm crying.. But I'm taking back your power of making me cry.. I'm taking back your power of playing with my emotions.. I'm taking back your power of twisting my moods.. I'm taking back my heart and my love.. You don't deserve it"
Again back to no contact, so much so that first time in eight years I never knew you're coming back from ship.. Then all that drama at home and Reena's wedding where you casually asked me for "casual sex".. I'm your wife not a prostitute though thats what you call me!! Have been calling me so for hugging a friend of yours ages before you even were remotely connected to me!!
Not that we had an exceptional sex life, since you'd love to have dirty linen washed in public you should be prepared for your secrets to see the light of day too!! Marital rape isn't an offense and I can't put you away for that!! I meant it when I said I feel raped, I feel touched and used without my permission.. You spoilt the sanctity of marriage and I fulfilled my obligation as your wife until the day you began telling the count of our intimacy to achen and my cousins!!
The day you hit me first time four years ago, had I mustered courage to walk to a police station, my kids life wouldn't be so ruined.. Thanks to you, you're playing an amazing game playing him against me.. If you can't live with me, why can't you let me leave?? You call me characterless drunkard maniac then why don't you cut your ties with me?? You ruined my repute, you ruined my sanctity!! You tell people I was suicidal but you never told how much in these few years I've evolved and grown over it!! I needed you once upon a time, now I don't.. Honest truth is, I fear for my life.. I fear you may kill me!! And its a genuine fear!!
You recorded every private conversation of ours, every time I spoke my heart out you had it on tape, you filed my msgs as proof, you hacked my phone and recorded all my conversation and twisted it to match your story, you got me agitated and react to you and recorded it while you stayed calm.. You made false bruises on you to claim I've hit you when I was the one who went to school in a disheveled state and all these years I never had the presence of mind to have anything documented against you!!
Today, this is an open letter to the world knowing I can't trust you anymore.. I need you to know that your absence is thrilling my life.. I forgot what being happy was until I decided for once that I'm never coming back to you.. This last month was my time of judgment whether to give you another chance because I respect the person who mediated for you.. Like all previous occasion, I agreed to let it slide once more.. But you never have an iota of change in you..
Today I'm glad to say that I made the right choice of walking out.. You're a parasite, sucked my life these years.. You're a classic narcissist.. You need people to support your grandiose!! You can't have anyone disagreeing to you bcz if anyone does so, you've got your brigade pulling them down.. I was just a popular happy "rich" person who fell into your description of an arm candy.. You wanted to get limelight of my popularity while damaging my personality.. Shutting out every tiny joy of my life including reading, listening to music, watching friends, writing a diary you tried to control me.. Worked like a charm all these years!! Not anymore.. I've realized you never loved me nor do you love my son.. You can never love anyone besides yourself.. And I'm sorry for you.. You used me and now you're using a tiny tot for your dirty plans!!
This day when we complete our 80th month as husband and wife, I wish you peace and recovery.. I know a narc can never change only the victim changes.. But I am done being played.. I wrote this last letter to you so that you know straight from me that its over between us!! I have had my name ruined enough.. I wish you maturity but age won't bring it for sure.. I hope you held your repute ruining mine and your flying monkeys did an amazing job spreading it.. Thanks to you, I got a support group for myself, people that I learnt I can count on!! You may go ahead and say more stories and publish your proofs.. I know to my conscience, I did my everything for this marriage and I don't regret walking away.. Choosing you at 19 was definitely a mistake but not walking away finally would be a bigger one!!
I wish and pray that someday you'll realise that blaming the world for your shortcomings won't get you anywhere.. Please grow balls and own up for your mistake.. When you begin to take up the onus of your actions, you can change and grow!!
With this, I wish thee well.. I loved you sincerely and with great happiness I wish to inform you that I don't anymore!! You still are a memory, we shared nearly a decade together.. I'm good with dates so Feb '20 would be a decade of friendship.. Hoping to have a cordial friendly relationship with you after separation was my idea of a mature separation and you've ruined it beyond repair already!! Anyway, with you, nothing can be normal.. You're a manipulative jerk whose only concern is the few grams of gold my kid was gifted and the only gold I took from there.. I never asked for anything back from what was given to you!! And you stoop to such a level of being a money minded person.. I really regret loving you and I regret the decade I lost for you.. If I could, I'd love to turn back time n walk out when I first saw you.. I'd lose out my son which would be a bad deal but definitely I wouldn't have had a child being played by his biological father!!
Wishing you well once again,
Loved you once, regretting it forever!!
Your EX wife,
PS. I agree with you on this one, your name really is a horrible one.. You're actually as disgusting as what you claim your name stands for.. I wonder how your parents knew it 35 years ago.. I hope to have it off my name asap..
This letter is to underline a few facts
1. I will not commit suicide.. I fear for my life.. This letter is out in the open for someone to vouch for me at the unfortunate circumstance of my untimely death
2. I don't have the time to go about calling and informing people my plight like the other person but if someone goes through my blogs, they should know my version too before forming an opinion about me!!
3. I've got many proofs against me and a private letter may be misconstrued and hence its out in the open unless this too is hacked and can be misused!!
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