The cost of “Being strong”

When life puts you to a challenge, you either crumple or get strong to overcome it!!

But you have to pay a life term price for that strength you develop!!

“Resilience” becomes your personality and you are no longer fazed by any challenge because you learn you can overcome it!!

However, it also brings about a huge set of walls that you end up building around yourself as a defence mechanism..

You no longer need anyone because you’ve learnt to only depend on yourself..

The price you pay for this is not having anyone check in on you because you surely haven’t needed anyone!!

It brings along with it an array of emotional challenges too!! PTSD is your arm candy that doesn’t let you overcome what you’ve been through no matter how “healed” you are!! At the onset of a repeat incident, the body automatically drags itself down to the last time it experienced the same emotions and forgets all the healing journey you’ve been through!!

Along comes anxiety as there’s a constant vigil to protect yourself.. it brings its best friend named “overthinking” and convinces your head to make up all the remote possibilities so that you are prepared for anything that comes your way!!

And with all these things there’s the tinge of depression that is always ready to make its appearance when something seems a bit downhill.. and it has such wonderful capacity to build a mountain of a mole hill and ensure you’re crashed!! And it’s friend, anxiety and insomnia, joins hands in tandem in the mission!!

But the upside of the strength is that Resilience ensures you show up back to accomplish your tasks because you have no other choice and also because you cannot make yourself weak anymore!! This results in the complexities of “high functioning depression and anxiety” that ensures you function in the daily life but the insides of you are slowly eroded!! From feeling a lot to feeling nothing, they ensure you’re hollow from the inside!!

But then some friends genuinely put efforts and show up and they end up filling that void and bringing that happiness!! But the price you pay for being strong is that you do not have many of those friends in your life either!!

Over all, you end up having a strong  aura but a plethora of things to fight within yourself to remain strong!!

Single parent

You’ve got to be the fun parent!!

You’ve also got to be the strict one!!

You’ve got to be there for all the events!!

You’ve to also go out there to provide!!

You’ve to also spoil them!!

You’ve to also raise them right!!

You’ve to make life fun and convenient!!

You’ve to also make time for yourself!!

And all this while you’ve to take care of yourself and the kiddo!! 

The guilt of ordering in almost every weekend because you’re exhausted from the week that passed!!

The lack of attention to the kid’s academic since you have no bandwidth at the end of the day to catch up..

The half hearted project submissions since there’s no time on cards to do a sincere complete one!!

The pain deep inside knowing you can’t do it all by yourself!!

The motivation to do “just a bit more” in order to make life a bit easier for us!!

The fear of not being adequate enough!!

And living with this heap of emotions all at once is what makes a single parent!!!

Someone

In those long hours of night when I can’t catch a wink, I wished I could call up on someone to just vent it out!!

In those days when I’m elated, I just wanna celebrate it with someone!!

When the day is exhausting, I just want to curl up and have someone to pamper me!!

When the long weekends arrive, I just want to have someone to make plans with!!

When I’m in my wits end and I can’t think straight, I just need someone to calm me down!!

When I’m overwhelmed with all the talks that never stops inside my head, I just want someone to hug me close so that the chatter quietens atleast for a bit!!

It’s just the basic need but it feels good to have someone just know that you’re alive and you’re going on about your day!!

It’s just the basic need to have someone have your back!!

And yes I do, before all the “you’ve got friends” thing, I do have very close friends that do these things for me!!

But sometimes, you just want to have “your” person, a go to person that could be there!!

And then with years you begin to be fine by yourself enough to not look for anyone because everytime you felt someone could be there, they end up breaking your heart again!! And the heart learns to protect itself by shutting off people so that nobody can hurt you again!!

And then again those long hours of night happens when you can’t catch a wink; and the heart hopes to have “someone”!!