Being a MOM!!

I remember when I was supposed to talk about any topic I wish to during the GMCS course during my CA days, I decided to talk on the topic of "Mom".. I can never brush out the reaction of the in-charge hearing my topic of choice from my memory.. She told me to think over for couple of days before finalizing the topic.. I was hurt, to be honest, but I was sure I'm not backing out.. She just sweetly told me, keep it to the level of the crowd.. That's when I understood she felt I would have the school elocution of "Mom" prepared.. But at that time when I was on the journey of motherhood counting weeks to my due date, MOM was rightfully the closest topic to my heart.. Yes, I did a pretty good job at speaking, one of my strong forte, would be shameful if I messed it!!

That day was the first I actually thought of the role of a mother.. But today, being a Mom for five years, I realize that I'm not being acknowledged.. I've been with my son for five years, rather more.. But he misses his dad the most.. Understandable: distance makes the heart grow fonder..  I take him to every animated movie and kid's movie ever released and watches it with him repeatedly over the small screen but he talks about the "Lion King" he watched with his dad and the pop corn they ate.. I take him to the mall almost every week, he does bungee jumping, plays on the rides and bouncy castle, the paddling boat, seldom the games too.. But at times he wishes to go back to hitting the zombies with water gun at the mall with his dad.. I take him to swimming pools and parks but his fondest memory Is of going to the water park as a family.. It hurts a lot knowing that I put in so much effort but he remembers so less of what I do.. 

And then I recollect, my growing up memories too are clouded with my dad.. My mom definitely has taken care of my sister and me but during my early childhood, my dad was the one brushing and bathing us.. I'm sure my mom would have done it longer than what my dad did but I don't remember my mom giving me a bath or brushing my teeth, but I definitely remember my dad bathing my sister and me, my sister enjoyed her shower sessions while I howled my lungs out as I felt breathless every time he washed my head (and he washed my head daily).. 

I remember our family outings, our regular place was sadguru with masala dosa for My sister, medu vada for me, uttapa generally for dad and mom.. Later it was Sunny hotel, porota and "that what shall not be named" being the staple for us and typical Kerala oonu for my parents.. Our cornetto days, almost every week my dad was home.. They are amazing memories.. We did have bitter memories too, my dad whacking me for maths being the top on the list, punishing my sister and me for going to the terrace by making us kneel with our arms raised and facing the wall being second, my Mom hitting me leaving over 20 cane marks on my back not being far enough.. Yes, I grew up when this wasn't illegal.. And to her defense, I locked her out of the house for an hour asking her to promise me she wouldn't hit me for disobeying her so that I open the door. I was (am) an adamant angry person and she's my mom.. I furiated her and I now know that a mom's fury, like her love, is beyond measures.. But she did pacify me soon just like I do to my kid.. (Just FYI, our next generation has all our traits especially the negative ones at 25-50% level over ours)

But nowadays I remember more of what my mom did for us.. She used to feed my sister and me by hand.. We had a routine, before the days of the phone in hand, we would sit down in a circle and mom would feed the Two of us and eat.. It was beautiful, we would share our stories with her.. She has even recently fed us by her hands reminiscing those old memories while my brother in law watched Two grown ups being fed like babies while My baby was hopping around.. I remember going to sleep in my dad's lap until days before my marriage.. He would watch TV on the couch and I would lie down on his lap and sleep.. It was so peaceful.. Just as much peaceful as the sleep I got in my mom's arms.. I remember I used to hate the fact that my sister slept between my parents and I slept in The corner.. I used to feel my parents hate me.. But since I've begun putting my kid to sleep and seeing him sleep peacefully in my arms, being able to put him to bed by some rocking and cuddling, I remember me as a baby when my mom would cuddle my sister and me on her either sides.. If I have to explain in an image, it feels like the protective hen that hides her chicks under her wings.. 

I remember my Mom tell us stories of her childhood when they struggled and her mom used to leave the little leftovers for my mom (she was the youngest for long).. Mom means sacrifice.. My mom did it too, just that I never realized it.. As kids, we used to eat vada pav daily.. 3 for 10 bucks.. We would buy it on our way home.. My mom carried My bag n I carried my sister's.. We would rush home and fight over the remote to watch the same channel while my mom made us tea (both of us kids hate milk, don't judge my mom.. I used to spill my milk daily for years until my mom decided to switch it with tea leaves instead of health drink powders) We shared school stories with our mom, eating hot vada pav and sipping warm sweet tea.. I can't recollect when did we switch from all three of us eating to mom saying "they have reduced the size of the vada pav, you girls have come from school and are hungry.. Here have mine" and she would break her piece into two and my sister and I would fight on who gets the bigger piece.. My mom's share of vada Pav always tasted better though.. Now, my son has inherited the same taste buds as his mom and when it comes to our favorite food, I don't really have qualms on giving him every bite of the food despite loving it (I'm not as selfless as my mom, I do take a bite or two too). 

My parents ensured all our wishes came true.. Yes, my sister couldn't go to the drawing class she wanted to, I couldn't go to a Canadian school I wanted to after 10th, barring those few, we were taken care of.. My mom loves to read, she got me used to it.. Buying age appropriate story books since as long as I remember, it's no surprise I've grown up as the bookworm.. Seeing my sister love drawing and crafts, my mom taught her how to draw the duck AND pond for a drawing competition when she was in 2nd std and she won in that competition.. My mom plays an important role in encouraging our hobbies.. When I started writing, my mom was the last person I expected to be reading my stuff.. Turns out, she reads every blog I share and covertly makes it a point to say that I write well.. Recently when my brother in law asked me for some English movie/series suggestion, my mom in the background was pitching my blog page asking him to read it.. My sweet, cute, naive, at times irritating and annoying MOM!!

There was a time when my dad lost his company and had to start afresh, we were almost on the verge of leaving the city for my dad's hometown.. There were years of struggle, including that time when my mom cried as I insisted on my 10th birthday celebration not knowing my mom can't afford it and being so angry that I told her I am so furious that I could kill someone and that I hate her.. I didn't understand why it mattered so much to her but just imagining my son telling me that he hates me (which he surely will within a decade) breaks my heart.. I yelled it out at the age of 10, she's justified in crying over it for days.. For a long period of time my dad was out of town and my mom single handedly raised the two of us.. She looked after us, helped dad establish his business and supported him behind the scenes helping him reach where he is today.. She would ensure we eat fresh food for tiffin.. For that, she would run to the school for the break time with those soft chappatis that could tear with just three fingers.. While my friends ate the cold food from the morning, I ate the fresh hot food.. She raised us as an almost single mom.. My dad's a wonderful father, always just a phone call away, but the emotional toil of being physically alone and being unable to share the load of parenthood with my dad for quite some time surely did toil my mom..  I was ashamed she didnt work like many other moms, I know now the strength she had to do what she did.. Being both a mom and dad, taking care of us and supporting my dad: she's one hell of a strong woman.. She has her flaws and quirks, not a topic for today..

From raising my sister and me to raising my son - she's been there all through.. She ensured I can focus on things that I feel important to me by taking everything else off my hands.. From being my night time partner taking turns with me to put my restless new born to sleep to ensuring I'm rested when he sleeps, from the innumerable calls she made to the millions of google searches on post natal care, from being the one that heard My countless rants and cries to being the strength I have, from being My mom to being an equally important role in my kid's life - this woman has shown a lot of strength.. I can't remember all that she's done for us, these are just a few to list.. We girls dote on our dad, we are his precious, he loves us to the core (he loves me more than my sister).. And my Mom has said it a couple of times too about our love for our dad.. Maybe it had an underlying pain of not being loved enough or maybe not.. We had taken our mom for granted, she was supposed to be there no matter what.. We had that sense of assurance.. But when I feel an iota of pain knowing my kid MAY have something extra for his dad over me, I can't help but wonder if My mom felt it too.. I know my son loves me and nobody can take better care of him or raise him better than I can, he even competes with me that he loves me more than I love him.. But that tiny bit of pain does hurt bad!!

As a mom, I'm more of a Momma Bear, I'll maul the person that hurts My kid.. I feel my parents, rather all our parents protected us so much that we never realized what pain was until we grew up.. I am more of the kind that will let my child fall, get hurt and learn his lesson and be prepared for life.. The next best thing to sleeping peacefully in a parent's presence is that tiny hand that wraps around your neck making you forget your worries and bursting your heart with emotions that cannot be described in words.. 

Its not about the count of things our parents do or acknowledgement about what they do.. I've come to realize and accept that the heart remembers and misses what's not the routine.. It feels nice to be acknowledged, to be cared for, to be asked about.. And it should be done.. But there's Also some sense of satisfaction and happiness knowing your offspring is happy and safe.. The acknowledgement and display of love is equally important so don't go miser about it.. Don't limit it to once a year routine.. Small things like asking about about your mom's health, showing interest in her passion and supporting and encouraging her, just a question "Did you eat?", these will make her happy.. I remember when I had gotten recently married, my mother in law had told me " I finally have some one to talk to, someone that asks me if I've eaten.. All these years I've taken care of people but nobody ever asked whether I've eaten.." That day I realized how much we take our moms for granted.. I've had a lot of good experience with my mother in law and can't thank her enough for all the good she has done.. 

This mother's day let us Also start taking that genuine concern for our parents as much as they show concern for us.. Its true, you realize what your parents have done for you once you have your own child.. Its difficult to comprehend that feeling without going through the same.. I know I love my son more than what I love my parents, and I know they love me much more than what I love my son.. Being a parent is tough.. Being a single parent is all the more difficult.. It is double the efforts, double the hard work, double the worries, double the pain.. But it is also double the love, double the hugs, double the laughter and double the bond.. Happy mother's day to every mom out there, be it as a single mom or with a co-parent, you're doing the best you can and your tot loves you more than they can say!!