Hope!!

Close to 5 years ago, when I felt life was at my worst, I climbed on to my terrace wanting to end my pain and loneliness!! Depression had taken roots and life didn’t seem worth it when I felt like a total loser!! All I knew at that time was everything would be better if only I left!! But luckily for me, the maternal instinct saved me since my urge of protecting and nurturing my child took over and I had the sense to walk down knowing that nobody can and will love my son like I do!!

Today when I finally had the courage to step up there, the place where I last had the thought of killing myself, I realise that not everyone has the kind of after thought when they think about this decision!! Life seems to become peaceful when you end it, but it doesn’t happen so in reality!! You escape your problem but there’s a better way to do it, that is to fight it!! 

You think you don’t have the strength, you think you’re at your worst!! You think that people that were to be there for you put you in your worst hole and left you there without any afterthought or guilt and there’s no hope left!! But having been through it, I know for sure, even if the person that mattered the most leaves or hurts you, you still can make it through!! It is painful, takes years and tears and a lot of will power and support to make it out!! But it isn’t impossible!!

Healing is a journey!! It is normal if you’re not ok, nobody always is!! But don’t stay there!! Take your time to get over it!! Because you’re stronger than what you realise and you can make a better tomorrow for yourself!! 

Until then, this sunrise here will remind you “it’s always the darkest before dawn!!” Clicking this symbol of hope from the darkest moment of life is my way of telling you that there’s hope no matter what you think!! Don’t lose it!! Rest if you must but don’t quit!! 

Takes a hell lot of strength to kill yourself because the natural tendency is to fight for life (as a friend once told, jump into the water and you’ll realise that your body will fight to come up to the surface), it takes a bit more strength to face and fight your fears And pain!! 

Reach out to anyone you trust; trustworthy support system is essential to help you come out!! Sending Strength, love and hope your way!! #suicideprevention #mentalhealthawareness

Hey you!!

Hey you, the woman that has been crushed by the societal definition of “women”!!

It’s time to stand up straight and redefine  the roles of women!!

Hey you, the woman that has sacrificed her dreams and wishes!!

It’s time to prioritise yourself as much as others!!!

Hey you, the woman that was abused and beaten and still hid her scars!!

It’s not you that should be ashamed, don’t you hide!!

Hey you, the woman that tolerated everything!!

It’s time to roar your pain to teach others not to be silent!!

Hey you, the woman that has been called a gold digger for asking for your worth!!

The world has labels of all sort, only you know your own worth!! Don’t settle for less!!

Hey you, the woman that believed that silence will make others realise your worth!!

You were naive, they only took you for granted.. it still isn’t late to start afresh!!

Hey you, the woman that tried to fit into the so called duties of women!!

Well, it’s upto us to remove those gender associations to those duties!!

Hey you, the woman that feels lost and tired!!

Take a break, shed a tear but don’t lose your life on it!! Better days will come, wipe away the tears!!

Hey you, the woman that is a strong willed person!!

It’s you that inspires every other woman to be strong!! So keep inspiring!!!

Parenthood - The most selfless journey, or is it??

It is very true that parenthood is the most selfless journey where you love and care for someone else with every last breath to every single cell, whrere your life revolves around them, where nothing besides them matters. But is it as selfless as people claim to be?

Why do i say parenting is selfish? Sure, there were and are times where parents want kids to live and behave in a manner that they desire and not appreciate the individuality of the kid's choices. That is not the selfishness i refer to.. I refer to the reason of "being parents" to be selfish.. As much as the love and responsibility involved in the journey of parenting is selfless, but the reason of parenthood is very selfish!! I know, i know, being a mother myself i will openly admit it! We are not in the generation where kids just happen; we plan, pray, prepare and get treatment to bring a life to earth. But why do we bring this little life to earth on the first place?? When you become a parent you realise another extent of love, not just the love you give but also the love you receive. 

When my parents were younger, the more the number of children would mean more stomachs to feed in the short run but more hands to earn in the long run.. But our generation limits the kids to the extent where we are sure to provide them the best life as per our capabilities. 

 Many of the couples opt for kids because of "societal / parental pressures". But the rest that chooses parenthood is because they wish to take the next step in life and have a purpose for their life. They wish to love someone deeply and unconditionally, have a reason to look forward to, have that joy and struggles associated with this journey called parenthood. Yes, life from that point onwards changes beyond expectation. The journey requires lots of love, patience, strength and coffee / wine to carry you through those difficult nights.. But the only reason you actually bring about a baby in this world is for your emotional need.

This is really nasty to hear it out loud and to think so of parents in this limelight. But this is the truth. Yes, most of the parents love and dote on their kids and provide them with the best they can afford to provide. Yes, they know and believe they have the best of intentions in their heart for their kids. Yes, this one thought is totally devastating on the picture perfect "parenthood" that we all imagine of. But truth is not always sweet is it? 

 Coming to my personal journey, i was too young to even understand why i craved to be a mother. Conceiving my son at 23 was because I felt an emotional hollow and wanted it to be filled. And it is completely filled and overflowing every day i have the kid around. There is love, there is fights, there is arguments and occasional hitting too, there is laughter and giggles, tickles and games : life has a purpose with him around. It is an all encompassing emotional ride which started with selfishness but continues only due to selfless love!!

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IRL

All of us “FRIENDS” lovers will abide by Monica Gellar’s dialogue!! And even if you are neither a FRIENDS lover nor know Monica Gellar, this dialogue will be apt nonetheless!! With all of us living a "Like" worthy life on social media, it need not be the complete truth In real life!!

All through childhood I couldn’t wait to finish up the education and get started with work!! I just wanted to grow up all life!! And now that life has happened, I don’t know why would I even want this on anyone!!! From paying bills to graying hairs to growing waists (or not for those who work out) to stressing about things: growing up isn’t as rosy as independence and freedom that I anticipated!!

The joy and smile of salary credit is replaced with the realisation of the ECS deduction scheduled in the coming week!! Every decision from what to cook to what to buy to keeping tabs on payment dates (even with technological help) to planning and staying in budget, phew, life is stressful!! 

These are just few of those things that causes worry!! Sometimes its the major things of how to survive, how to deal with the mental health,  how to barely make yourself get out of bed and deal with the complexity called LIFE!!

Each of us have our own worries, each of us deal with a lot of issues in our personal life in our own manner.. There's a very common story of potato, egg and coffee.. If we put potato, egg and coffee and leave it to boil for sometime we observe that the water softens the potato, hardens the egg while coffee imparts its flavor in the water and turns it to coffee..This is exactly what troubled times do to us!! Some of us would have been tough but tough times softens us.. Some of us would have been soft but the tough times toughens us.. While few others change the situation and make it better!!

This is what life teaches us, sometimes we need to soften, sometimes toughen and most of the times change the situation.. But amidst all this life lessons let us always try to stay a kid at heart because I haven't seen anyone as genuinely happy as a kid!!

And here I am with a younger version of me in tow who keeps checking his height against me and cribbing everyday that he’s not as big as me!! When I say I wished he remains a kid it’s because I don’t want him to be pressured by life, I don’t want him to lose his innocence, I don’t want him to stop finding joys in simple things!! Because when he stays a child, he brings out the happiness quotient in others!! And when he grows up I for sure am gonna send him this scene from Friends!! Because no matter how much it sucks, we end up loving (if not then definitely living)  it!! 

Heres a reminder to all: Don’t forget to find your simple joys amidst adulting IRL!!

The journey called Motherhood!!

About 6.5 years ago I discovered the existence of a tiny heartbeat inside me.. Barely 2 weeks of inception, not even a traceable heartbeat or detectable physical existence; those barely visible double lines brought along with it fears that still exist!! 

That phase of motherhood was beautiful.. Every scan I heard the heartbeat brought a reassurance.. Few hours without the kicks brought a panic.. Every step I took, every move I made, every toss on the bed, lying down or getting up, I worried about hurting my child!! I felt a sense of security just wrapping my hands around the bump.. Every movement of the baby brought me joy and along came fear of hurting the kid..

The labour is an unforgettable part of the whole experience.. People say it is magical but it actually was too painful.. I promised myself I will never bring it up to my child but he did put me through over 14 hours of labour.. I can never forget that pain nor the pain of epidural on my spine to help me keep my energy to be able to push my child out!! I barely saw him when they took a blood covered tiny being away from the table.. But later when I gained sense and had him placed next to me I still remember the shivers I had.. It was my baby lying under my arms like a small little mouse cuddling trying to get as close to me as possible.. That was a divine feeling.. I did not feel maternal immediately as people claim to feel.. It took me few hours to actually feel it.. My first feeling after having the baby was to eat something as I felt famished.. The kid was placed in a bassinet in another room while I ate and drifted off to a good three hours of slumber.. Only after waking from that did the realisation occur that my bump was only fats now and the baby in it is somewhere out.. That’s when I met him for the first time.. I was so scared (and obviously just having had him) that I couldn’t pick him up and just had him placed near me while they moved me from labour room to another bed.. There started this beautiful journey!!

That day began my journey of being responsible for another human being!! My son has had three episodes of being admitted in the hospital so far, the first one was when he was barely five days old and got diagnosed with jaundice.. Some well meaning adults told me that I wasn’t feeding him well and he hasn’t got the colostrum which resulted in him getting jaundice and needing phototherapy.. Already dealing with post partum, these words pushed me further down.. I was told that as a mom I should know why my son is crying.. It doesn’t come naturally to people and five days isn’t enough for a mom and child to understand each other..

I had postpartum depression which I didn’t accept for long.. There were days I felt crazy hearing my son scream his lungs out into hours of dawn and nothing helping him sleep.. After being with him six years I can empathise how painful and difficult it is that he’s crying but when you’ve been sleepless and in pain for days, the cries can drive you crazy!! Have you ever heard of the other side of motherhood?? That side which isn’t all the lovey dovey magical thing they portray?? I’ll give you a glimpse of that!! I was blessed to have my baby naturally ie normal delivery.. I had cuts and stitches down there to get my baby out.. The stitch gets painful and itchy while healing and when the painkiller wears out.. Those people that have to undergo c section gets even worse part of pain tolerance and healing to go through!! And feeding doesn’t naturally come to a woman either.. That is another story with cuts and bleeding and pain just to ensure your child gets nourishment.. People don’t warn you because it isn’t as rosy as it seems.. But it is a journey and you learn to adapt!! When you make a routine and have gotten used to the feeding pain, the kids grow teeth!! N they are razor sharp breaking out of their gums!! I’ve howled in pain for days but I am proud and glad to have fed my son almost till he turned three!! It is very natural if women cannot feed and have to give supplements to the child but if health permits and you physically can, feeding is the best time to bond.. I took that part for granted most of the times where he would drift off to sleep and I’d be on phone; given a chance I’d love to turn back time to bond more because they grow too fast.. I remember those giggles when I sang to him.. I remember him humming and singing with me when he began talking.. The gesture where he identifies, remembers and sings the song I sang out of boredom proves how much the feeding sessions bonded us and I’d like to strengthen that further if I could.. But every day is a new chance to make memories and learn lessons..

Through these six years there are times I wished things would have been different but one thing I forever am thankful for is being blessed to be the mom of a sweetheart!! He brings a lot of happiness and gives me lot of strength and purpose in my life.. But he brings in a lot of fear too.. Every-time he gets a cold I get scared because he’s got two episodes of chest infection and I can’t bear to see him with those tubes again.. Every time he gets hurt it pains me to see him cry.. As he grows, as much as I know he loves me, it scares me that he needs me lesser each day.. As much pride as it brings to see my child independent, it somehow hurts too but that’s what growing up is right!! But when he sleeps next to me, tells me his unending stories and randomly runs over and hugs me or tries to win his way around with his puppy eyes, I know my life feels complete and happy.. These are those few moments in an everyday life that gives the mundane routine a meaning!!

I miss those days of pregnancy when we shared a special bond, just the two of us.. I would sing and talk to him and he had no choice but to hear.. Every step of the journey has been beautiful.. Parenthood is that journey where the day seems long but years seem short.. There are days I have cried out of exhaustion.. There’s been days I’ve been scared as hell.. There were days I had to pray to get through.. There were days when I couldn’t believe that I am blessed to be this boy’s mom.. There’s a lot of emotions that began since the day I found those two lines.. It isn’t a magical journey but one filled with lots of emotions and fears and a lot of responsibility and bliss!! 

People that say that motherhood is a natural instinct to understand the child’s feeling, they are lying.. It is just another relationship where you shouldn’t expect anything magical.. It is a journey you should work at, where you learn and understand each other and learn from the other!! So all you young moms, don’t pressurise yourself to be a perfect mother; it isn’t any competition.. And this journey is not a natural instinct if it doesn’t feel so for you.. Doesn't mean something is wrong with you either.. It just means you need to work on finding your chord and figuring out the journey.. And don’t ever think of being a super mom and doing it all by yourself because you shouldn’t do so.. You need all the help and all the support that people around can offer.. It takes a village to raise a kid and that should always have it in your mind that you don’t have to do it all and prove anything to anyone.. You need time to love yourself and replenish yourself and get some much needed “me” time!! Motherhood is a new identity but don’t make that your whole identity.. It is that journey where you shape someone for their future.. Make it a journey for self discovery and improvement too.. Always remember “a happy mom gives the kid a happy childhood” so don’t forget to be happy!!

The burntout employee in the next cubicle, Oops, next door!!

They say that a person working beyond office hours is inefficient since they cannot complete the delegated tasks within given time!! However the truth is that the deadlines given are rarely doable and everyone has to extend beyond given job timelines : extended work hours is an unwritten reality where people mention that you'll be expected to work beyond hours to complete given tasks!! 

The success of an employee is based on the fact whether they can function with 100% efficiency or more in any given situation without considering the emotional state of the person!! People don't even consider the death of an immediate family member or ill Health to be a valid reason for leave since it has become more than once in a week!! 

As time passes you realize that people only want to prove their worth and not many seniors have the feeling of carrying the team across over their personal accomplishment!! And in the constant pressure of making your mark in this never ending race, people eventually gets burnt out!! What we fail to remember is that your job role is indispensable as long as you're on the payroll!! The organization and work will continue even if you cease to exist!! Business is a perpetual entity after all by definition!! But what changes with your involvement or absence is the happiness factor of your family!! If you can't spend time for your family, nothing you do can compensate!!

In those initial days of articleship, working for the mere stipends, work was fun!! I realized I was a workaholic because I'd find excuses to go to work even if there was a reason to stay back.. The team and the mentors ensured a personal relationship which has been carried on for ages as friendship!! Similar happiness and motivation remained in every work place where there was a social setting, helping the workaholic me to find satisfaction!!

However, as grateful as I am to have found a good paying job amidst the pandemic, the motivation seems to be fading!! The absence of a social circle of workplace brings down the efficiency of work!! The realization has finally dawned that the motivation of turning up everyday to work was not just the satisfaction of having completed the assigned task but mainly due to the team that made the work hours fun and memorable!! 

In the absence of a social setting it is difficult to take notice of your colleague for whom the isolation might have hit harder than you!! Despite the advanced technology, where a physical presence is essential, no replacement can hold for long!! Take a peek at the employee in your next cubicle and check on them if they've been burnt out by any chance!! If not your cubicle, check on the next door neighbor too if they feel burnt out either!!

 In our constant run of making a livelihood we are forgetting to live!! Don't forget to enjoy your life amidst this rat race!!

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Good Friday

There are seven things that Jesus said on the cross before He breathed His last!!

1. Starting with the most human one “I am thirsty” : We all know about 40 days of fasting Jesus went through.. He did not yield to his basic human needs of food and water when tempted by Satan.. Yet here on the cross he pleads for a drop to drink, completely accepting the Human need!! 

2. “Woman behold your son” “here’s your mother”:  As a teacher when Jesus preached and his mother and siblings came to visit Him, He publicly stated that “everyone that follows my Father’s will is my mother and brothers”!! But on the cross when He breathed his last, despite having 12 siblings, Jesus entrusts His mother to a beloved disciple John knowing He will take care of her and vice versa!! This shows how much he cared for the person that gave him life!!

3. “Forgive them for they do not know what they do”: This is the ultimate level of forgiveness which is expected of us humans where we have the heart to forgive the ones that caused us pain!! 

4. “Today you will be in paradise with me” : these are the words we Strive for.. A sinner all his life who was crucified next to Jesus was pardoned of all his earthly sins and promised an eternal life!! We strive to reach a level of goodness where we too can be given the eternal life on our judgement day!!

5. “Father why have you forsaken me!” : this is the question we all ask during our troubles!! Jesus too asked the same when he couldn’t bear it through!! It shows that it is normal to question God but we should also follow the example where Jesus still continued following His Father's will!!

6. “It is done” : We can consider this as an expression where Jesus knows that His purpose of incarnation is complete and His purpose is fulfilled We all have been called for a purpose and it is imperative that we strive to live for our purpose!!

7 “Father, into your hands I commit my spirit” : The last thing He muttered before He died!! He died with the knowledge that His purpose has been fulfilled and could let go with a sense of satisfaction!!

We all know about the torture that Jesus was subjected to and the pain of crucification is beyond explainable!! But the pain of Jesus can be seen after The last supper when he went out to pray before He was captured!! The night when he prayed at Gethsemane he prayed to God “Abba father, please take away this cup of suffering!” He knew what is coming for Him!! He knew the pain he’s going to be put into! He was scared of the torture he would be subjected to!! Isn’t that the same with us?? We don’t know what the future is but when things get overwhelming we do pray to God to take away our suffering!! Yet He immediately added “Yet it is not my will but thine be done!”

I have been a devout Christian teaching my kids about submission to Christ and total obedience like Abraham!! But it is difficult in real life!! When someone asks me “why am I tortured?? Why am I put through pain?” my immediate response to them would be the instance of Job where he lost his everything but still didn’t deny God.. He in turn was blessed with double the blessing!! But when the similar pain happens to me, I don’t know how to hold my faith!! I had a horrible experience in life which I am struggling still to get over!! As my process of healing I decided to have a fish tank, one of my three fishes died within weeks!! I started with gardening and my plant almost had buds when some creature (assuming a rat) nipped my whole plant in the bud leaving not a strand of green!! Then I took the biggest step of fulfilling my life long plan of bringing home a Rottweiler pup and my baby died even before I could hold him!! 

My therapist has suggested me to note down my gratitude journal daily but with these instances back to back I am very inclined to question my faith!! I know that God challenges the good people, he lets the evil ones grow until a point where he uproots the evil!! But why torture and test the good ones to a point of desperation?? Why put someone through constant pain?? Why test their faith?? 

This is where the relevance of Good Friday comes!! Jesus was at this point of desperation where He was completely aware of the torture He would be subjected to and He didn’t want the pain!! Yet he chose to submit His will and chose His father’s will!! This is the lesson for us too!! 

It is painful at present but the tolerance will be rewarded!! (This is the only hope that helps push through).. As people often remark that a piece of coal that handles pressure well turns into a diamond, maybe that is what the present painful situation teaches us!!

A Good Friday is “Good” only because of the Easter that follows!! The victory of goodness over evil, the hope of a good time to come helps us sail through the turmoils!! An Easter will always follow the darkest of Good Friday’s!!

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“Hey, how are you??”

“Hey, I’m good!! How about you??”

Easy and normal conversation!!

But when someone asks “hey, are you ok?” The whole balance of the conversation changes!! Don’t know why but this question brings about a more honest answer than the other!!

Let’s start asking others if they are ok, you never know whom you end helping!!

The big 30

Last year I had my friends call me at midnight, my sister and brother in law joining the call.. It was all fun and great, long conversation full of laughter.. The cherry on the cake was my son telling them to keep the phone because we have to sleep so that mummas birthday comes soon!!! I had people that matters sending me wishes and calls, it was good.. A quiet birthday when lockdown began, sending my plans of an office birthday with my team and subsequent plan with my friends into the drain!!! The most sad I feel is for the clothes and accessories I picked out, (nonetheless, dressed it out for my son's birthday)

I am a person who loves birthdays and all the attention and fun!! I look forward to birthdays of people I love to shower them with love and surprises, to gift them something I feel they would like or something they need.. And I look forward to someone doing the same for me!! Last few years, I put that nexus of making my birthday special on others and I've been more depressed knowing people barely even know its my birthday unless someone has a big display on Facebook!! I have hidden my birthday from all platform because I wish for people who loves me genuinely to be wishing me.. So taking things into my own hands, I made a birthday plan for myself, ordering my choice of cake, customized for me, gifting myself something I need and like, taking myself to a full day of fun!! Why need someone to fulfil your dreams when you're all that knows you to make you happy???

I had really big plans when I set off into my 20’s!! Being married at 21 wasn’t one but something happens unplanned!!  Although my plans of being a manager by 30 and commanding a senior management position has been deferred by a few years, I am finally on that path!! When marriage happened, my life’s plans changed to having a kid by 25 and the other by 30!! God blessed me with a beautiful healthy boy by 24 and circumstance deferred my second pregnancy!! So what I don’t have a human baby by 30, I have found my love and child in Drax, my Rot baby!! 

But fate is such a pain in the .... I fell in love with Drax seeing his pic but within a few hours of having him at arms reach, I lost him!! I couldn’t cuddle him or play with him!! My plans of feeding him, playing with him, being a strict parent, live life as a new mom, watching him and Joe grow together and being inseparable has washed down the drain!! I wanted Drax for many reason: an unconditional and assured love topping that list!! 

Such is life; we can’t plan it prior because life has a way of changing our plans!! This just reminds us that our plans are finally futile because nothing always works!! Here I wanted a grand celebration to share my joy of being a mom again with the family and I end up mourning the loss and celebrating the blessing of life!!

I did in fact  have a fun day starting with my cliche bday idea of a midnight surprise with balloons, sparkles and all!! Two of my friends dropped in to make my day brighter and special!! My family around to remind me I’m loved!! I couldn’t help but feel better knowing so many loves me!! It is an assurance we all need and I got mine when my bunch was around!! 

I have lost loved ones and few of my pets in the past yet every death comes with a reminder to celebrate each day!! No moment is guaranteed, no day is assured!! Yet we plan; that’s what “hope” does!! Let’s keep our hopes up to enjoy yet another year!! A beautiful day with family!! I matter to a few and they mean my world!! I couldn’t be more excited about growing older with a bunch of my loved ones around!! 

A few strands greyer, a few pounds heavier, a few bones weaker and a few emotions stronger: Life is to be celebrated because the next year is just an added bonus!! So don’t lose a chance to celebrate the small and big wins!!!

The questions that keeps me awake

Why do we need sadness to realise joy?

Why do we need hatred to understand love??

Why do we need sickness to know health?

Why do we need lows to treasure the highs??

Why do we need death to celebrate life?

Why do we need the bad to value the good??

Why can’t life be kind?

Why does it have to be so cruel??

Why can’t happiness be a part of life?

Why can’t life go smooth and well??

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