The greatest of them is Love!

To be loved is to be accepted for who you are without expecting you to change into the person they want you to be!!

It is to help you identify your shortcomings without criticising!!

It is to help improve you without keeping tabs on the favours they confer!!

It is to be treated with dignity and respect!!

It is to celebrate your small joys!!

It is to being your pillar of strength when you are weak!!

It is to restore your hope in the goodness in the world when you have lost all hopes!!

It is to reinstate your dreams and show you how you can achieve it!!

It is to giving newer hopes and dreams for yourself!!

It is to forgive your shortcomings and not hold you accountable for faltering!!

It is to give you your space for feeling safe and comfortable!!

To love is to keep your ego and anger aside for your person!!

It is to finding a solution with each other and not against each other!!

It is to to be a listening ear, a helping hand, a comforting word, a friend, a guide and whatever the situation asks of you!!

It is to accepting that it isn’t 50-50 business, but a 100-100; when you can’t give it all the other person fills your share and you do the same to them in their lows!! 

It is being committed to working on the relationship when difficulties arise rather than quitting it at the onset!!

It is the trust you build in the other person!!

It is to work on your flaws and improve yourself!!

It is to accepting differences respectfully!!

It is to be consistent in your efforts and not take the other person for granted!!

To love and be loved is to grow individually as well as together towards the common vision envisioned!!

Love is a small world but the essence that keeps humanity from perishing!!

Spread love ♥️

The taboo of “Divorce”

It was 15th of July 2022 when I got the message stating “the decree has been passed”.

I thought I’d feel relieved, I’d feel overwhelmed, I’d feel ecstatic!! But to my surprise, I didn’t feel anything!! It was just another passing information, another list of things to do for me, for me to change my identity once again!!

The four years leading to the decree had seen me passing through all stages of grief!

Started off as shock and denial - it couldn’t be an end!! We’ve been having issues for years and we’ve had episodes where I was discarded and threatened with a divorce but I always went back!! So this time too it felt like this wasn’t an end but would have me going back to him! (So glad I decided to end the cycle) Afterall all that I had in life was the family I had made and I had to make it work!! (Thankfully I decided to make a happy family for the only person that mattered)

Then it was followed by pain and guilt!! The pain of having lost a decade, lost the life I had built in my head, the dream I dreamt of living!! I was filled with guilt and shame, how would I tell the world that I no more am married? How do I tell my son that he has just a parent that will be with him?? 

Once the pain subsided, Anger and bargaining took place.. anger at myself for staying too long in toxicity, bargained that if he loves you, he will understand your point of view and will also be willing to take steps to make it work!! Anger is best described as the mask of pain!! Because it’s easier to be angry at the world than discard that mask and show how hurt you are!! It’s easier to make the world hate you for your anger and justify being alone than having people walk over you over and over and put you through pain every time you open up!!

Depression was the close runner where I believe I haven’t seen the people in my house for days, haven’t spoken a word to anyone, barely ate, barely slept, always was either bawling or too tired to even shed a tear!! It went sadly for a bit too long!! Couple it with the lockdown and loss of job, it felt like the pit being dug deeper and deeper!! But I can’t thank the people enough that put it efforts out of their way to help me up!! Fortunately we could go to kerala during the time, it was such a gathering with everyone at home, cousins celebrating Onam, Diwali and Christmas, eating together almost everyday with someone or the other cooking “specials”, exploring nature and making core memories!! It was beautiful!! I had people that called me weekly just to say “beta, tu theek hai nA?” (Kiddo, you ok right?).. there were friends who kept and still keep pumping me with motivation every time they realise I am falling low!! And many of them no more are in touch on a regular basis but they’ve been my pillars when I needed them and I can’t thank the Heavens enough for having brought them to my life!!

Upward turn was the only way out!! Once all the motivation came in, life had no other place to go but towards the better!! And there I took the difficult step of investing a year and decently good enough money to get myself enrolled for higher education!! Lo and behold, #inkedbySPJ became true!! And in this duration, I also understood that the fantasy of “he will realise how much I love him and will want to work on this marriage” doesn’t hold true!! I heard the stories coming from far and wide and decided that the one that makes no effort to even be a part of his kid’a life but can go to any extent to destroy mine can never ever keep my son safe and happy!! That decision is all it took to sit down at the table to ask for a divorce! If I did have a chance, I’d fight for what i rightfully deserve but all that mattered was to close the chapter even if it meant agreeing to his terms one last time in my life!! 

Reconstruction and working through happened once the steps towards the right direction was taken!! Got a job, got financially, physically and emotionally secure!! Got a bunch of people I know for sure wants to see me soar and has my back at all times, found my tribe, my voice, my identity and my life!! 

Acceptance and hope happened even before the decree came!! I accepted the end of a decade that I would term “the unhappiest marriage ever possible” and I know and hope for the happiness I know I deserve!! 

Sometimes it does feel bad, but it’s ok to be sad at times than having sadness as life!! Once you move towards the peak, you have a difficult path to cross, but the view from the top is worth the struggle!! And life is always the journey to reach the top, and the journey hasn’t been easy but it was made enjoyable with the right people at every stage of life!!

So when I received that decree on the 15th of July 2022, it didn’t feel anything great because I did experience a plethora of emotions to reach there and I not once will doubt that decision because in no universe would this work unless both of us were born with different personalities!! So it was the best decision and the glimmer of happiness on a daily basis keeps reminding me how it indeed was the best thing to do!!

About myself

Well, the task given me was to introduce myself in a para to welcome me to the official group!! That’s when I began to wonder who exactly I am!!

I know the typical one minute elevator pitch i perfected during the one year of PG life and I can recite it without a second thought!! But beyond the muscle memory, the conscious thought took a hold today!! 

I’m a person that has evolved with a personality which has been influenced by all the people that have passed through my life!! Every time I listen to a few songs or artists, I remember the person that has introduced them to me!! Food habits of mine are influenced by the people I’ve been with, ordering a plate of nachos reminds me of my bestie that made loaded nachos a regular bite!! My habits, my thoughts, my beliefs are influenced by the people that raised me and the people I’m around!! My beliefs are challenged at times which makes me change it when I feel I’m wrong!! My parenting style keeps changing based on situation and what I have come across as something I should incorporate!!

I’m a constant work in progress, someone that is different from the person I was a decade ago, someone that is different from the person I will be a decade hence!! I have become better in many areas, become adamant in some, become worse in some, but it’s a constant process!! People still rub their music, food, places preferences on me and I adapt to it without a second thought!! People don't always stay for a lifetime but their influence becomes a part of you that stays with you for long!! And certain times you recognise the habits you've picked up from others, fondly remember the person and quietly move on with your life, or drop in a message to the person and connect with them if you're still in touch!! 

So who am I? I am a person that has become who I am by the influence of the people, situations and choices that has passed by, and I am proud of the person I am constantly growing into!!

Motherhood

How do I describe the feeling that motherhood brings?

 

The very first time I saw a tiny form covered in blood being taken away from me, it did not sink in that this being would become the most important being in my life.

 

I wouldn't say that my heart was overwhelmed with joy and love seeing him the first time, all I wanted to do was sleep!! 

 

When I woke and reality sunk in, I saw a tiny being in a bassinet near me - unlike the cute baby pics I have seen - a wrinkly being in an oddly white color!! 

 

When I could not feed him in the first two days, it felt like a failure!! But then when he got admitted due to jaundice in just 3 days of being outside me, I realised that maternal instincts had kicked in!! I could not leave his side, could not see him hurt!! 

 

Then came the bittersweet relationship - can't wait for someone else to take him for a few hours just to get some sleep and the restlessness when he is away and wanting him by my side the minute he is gone!!

 

 Over the years we grew closer to each other - understanding each other and finding a manner of cohabitating with love and smiles!!

 

From taking care of him to him understanding my needs and being outrightly caring, I see that my baby is growing up and he is growing up well!!

 

From his toothless grins to his detailed explanation of his outlook on life - I am proud of the person he is growing up to be!!

His conversations are engaging, he has a reason for everything, he is independent enough to take care of himself, knows his routines and keeps tabs on his own schedule!! He enjoys our trips, and it is no more me caring for him at a different location, but two people enjoying the experience together! I did not expect my kid to grow up this quick!!

 

The last 8 years have had its shares of ups and downs - there are many things I wished I could do differently, there are many things I wished I could do again, there are many things I wished I could have done sooner!! But one thing I know for sure, I wouldn't have life any different than the one I have now - because it is this life that gave me the blessing to be a mom of this sweetheart!!

 

 

"Mi Amor, Mi Vida, Mi Fuerza, Mi Hijo"

 

Growing up

You know you are growing up when your regular 11 pm movie dates are now rescheduled to ensure you are home latest by 11 pm!!

 

You know you are growing up when you don't give more attention to your attire when you step out to shop rather the list of things you wish to accomplish in a single trip!!

 

You know you are growing up when you don't do things to make someone else happy, rather do things that make you happy!! 

 

You know you are growing up when money credited makes you immediately calculate the liabilities to be cleared and the investments to be made over the excitement to celebrate.

 

You know you are growing up when business parlance becomes your language of communication over the informal communication style!!

 

You know you are growing up when you realise that you cannot call on to someone else for the errands in the house rather learn to do it yourself - from fixing a faulty tap to shooing away mice from the house!!

 

You know you are growing up when weekends are all about completing tasks and catching on to the sleep pending during the week!!

 

You know you are growing up when you look for ways to save some bucks!!

 

You know you are growing up when you no more call out "mummy / daddy" but step up and do things yourself!!

 

You know you are growing up when the days you don't come home exhausted feels like an accomplishment.

 

You know you are growing up when an extended weekend makes you excited!!

 

You know you are growing up when your birthday does not excite you as much as planning your kid's does!!

 

Growing older is definite, growing up is a choice!! And I know I am growing up since I am proud of the person I have become!! 

 

My tiff with Divinity

God and I had a very personal connection while growing up!! Somehow I always felt blessed in every sense of the world and it was all bestowed upon me and not my own being!!

I am blessed with a healthy body, a smart mind, a loving family, decently good looks, pleasant personality and an ability to gel well!! None of these things were learnt by me nor was anything strived for!! It was all given to me!!

But when the only thing that I worked hard for, that I put my whole heart into failed to work out, I lost my connect with God!! I blamed the supreme power for that failure, that pain, that torture!! I blamed Him/Her for putting me through something S/He knew had no future!! I stopped praying!! The only conversation was “why did you put me through this pain? Why do I have to go through this torture? Why do I go through his heart break and feel my heart break every moment?? Why do I have to deal with the after shock even years into the main event??”

And I hated the Almighty and thought this lovers tiff is permanent!!

And then my therapist told me to start maintaining a gratitude journal!! From “I stayed alive today” to a list flowing through a page, life has brought me to a realisation that I have too many things I take for granted which are blessings when viewed through someone else’s perspective!! And I should be grateful for what I have!!

This has brought me back into a connection with God!! And this time I also would say that it’s just Grace that I have become who I am!! If I found strength during adversity, it’s because I found the right people that stood by me and brought me up!! And nobody would have been there had there not been someone above that brought them there at the first place!! 

From strangers to being my support, these people helped me up!! And I have faced adversity, standing strong and ready for every challenge!! The confidence I have is gifted, the resilience I boast about is given by the strength that’s given to me when the scripture tells me “I’m there”!! 

Yeah, we do have a shaky relationship, and that’s true for every relationship!! But I guess this tiff helped me get closer and understand God a bit better!!

Fortune favours the brave

When life seems to be a hell, there are many options that falls before us:

* either we burn inside the fire

* either we learn to live with the fire

* or we learn to raise ourselves up from the fire!!

And the greatest courage a person needs is the bravery to step up and out from the Hell that life has become!!

It doesn’t mean that walking out is easy: it is painful, the scars take a lifetime to heal; it takes a lot of efforts to unlearn life and relearn it and make it something drastically different from the life that you were accustomed to!!

It requires a conscious choice to understand what happened to you, take the help to heal and then move on to the next path in life!!

It is a very time consuming process because you need to unlearn the life you’ve had!! You need to unlearn living with fear!! You need to unlearn looking over your shoulder!! You need to unlearn that anxiety!! You need to unlearn life as you got trained into over a long period of time!!

And when you unlearn, you realise how messed up your life had become!! You realise how much you were living life in a wrong manner!! You realise how it messed up not just your emotional health but also your physical one!!

And then you take those baby steps towards undoing life!!

You do something that becomes a first step towards correcting your life!! I took a degree, ended relationships that didn’t work for me, took help for my emotional well being and some bits here and there!!

And it feels so good seeing life unfurl in a better manner, feels satisfying to have bagged a good job, feels confident standing up for yourself!!

And it’s an exhilarating and liberating feeling!!

You realise that the years have been life changing and the Hell actually helped you become stronger and resilient!! And you become confident enough to face any adversity that falls your way!!

All it needs is that first step, the first step through your uncertainty, the first step through your fears, the first step through the indecisiveness!! Because the path automatically reveals when you take that step of faith.. And that path always leads to greatness!!