Now I know!!

When I was a kid, it hurts so bad when you never came home for days on ends, when I didn’t see you for many days!

Now I know that you were busy with providing a life for us and that kept you away!! 

When I was a kid, I thought you never cared when you punished us for mistakes we made..

Now I know that you did that to correct us!!  

When I was a kid, I thought you never loved us when you scolded us for making noise while you slept!!  

Now I know that you were exhausted and you just needed a few minutes of rest!! 

When I was a kid, I felt you are heartless when you never stepped in to help some times when I was struggling.. 

Now I know that you taught me to stand up and be the confident independent person I am through that!!  

When I was a kid, I felt you did not cherish the time with us because you were always busy and stuck with "things to do"..  

Now I know that "things-to-do" never ends and you made time whenever you could!  

When I was a kid, I thought you were super human!! 

Now I know you both were just humans who were struggling everyday at life and trying to do the best you could.  

When I was a kid, I could not think beyond myself!!  

Now that I am a mom (and a dad), I know what selflessness means because now i know that you have been selfless in what you have done all these years!!  

When I was a kid, I always wanted to grow up!!  

Now I know that childhood was the best phase!!

The year that passed by!

The year 2022 is nothing short of magical!!

I learnt more about me, evolving into a better and stronger version of me!! Feel more empowered, stronger, happier and confident!! And ended up adding a couple of people more into my list of “friends to keep for life”!

This year taught me that silent confidence no more works!! Be brave, be bold, speak up for what you believe is right, speak up when you disapprove!! Don’t live to please everyone but just focus on being happy!! Obviously, not to hurt people for selfish reasons but when it’s your happiness or others, think about yourself too with the same care you show others!!

I learnt to put myself first, I discovered myself in many aspects, changed a few perspectives about life, made a few mistakes, and learnt how to be assertive!! 

There’s an enormous empowerment when it comes to self love and I can’t believe the confidence I have developed this year!! Yeah, I’m a ball of mush at times but I learnt how to navigate myself!! I learnt what I can tolerate and what I don’t accept!! I took a trip to an unconventional place and discovered my love for travelling.. I did outdoor activities, watched stand up, plays and went dancing and discovered I enjoy these activities!! Discovered few good shows and books!

This year helped me grow, find out about myself and taught me to stand up for myself instead of tolerating everything!! People pleasing wasn’t as good as I grew up believing it to be, it’s ok not to be liked by everyone!  I did stay cordial with everyone, though not friends!! And I discovered I feel ok knowing people dislike me!! The old me would go to great lengths to change their opinion, now I respect their choices and am “unapologetically” my unique self!!

So proud of myself and grateful to the people that were pillars for my transformation giving me strength, validation, support when I falter and loads of love and motivation!! I hope and pray that the coming years helps each of us evolve into better and brighter versions of ourselves!!

Love and wishes for a prosperous, healthy and successful 2023,

BB

Thought train 1

Strength

There’s a lot hiding behind that smile!

There’s a load of sorrow behind that strength!!

People see the courage, people appreciate the resilience!!

But nobody can see those long nights that cease to end!!

Nobody understands how hard you try to over accomplish to make up for your insecurities!!

Nobody realises that every uncertainty fills you up with anxiety and you just hope that the earth would just swallow you instead!!

The insomnia, the anxiety, the stress, the insecurity has given the strength to smile again, to brave those feelings and rise again!!

As someone said, just because you carry it well doesn’t mean it isn’t heavy! 

But strength lies in smiling despite the pain and carrying on despite the exhaustion!!

Doing something for the first time!!

Do you remember the excitement of the child that saw the mirror for the first time and realised it was their own reflection there??

Do you remember how they cringed nibbling on the lime slice?

Do you recollect how every new sense of smell, sight, feel, taste and hearing made them squeal with joy??

And then they stumbled upon Cocomelon most probably!!

But when did we do something for the first time and enjoy the excitement, fear and every other emotion that comes along? During our Design Thinking class our Professor asked us “When was the last time you did something new?” Luckily a few saved the face of the batch and had learnt something like Salsa etc in the recent past!! But I couldn’t recollect when did I ever take up the challenge of doing something and instead have been trying to make a secured routine for me!!

And then amidst the Project reports, assignments, presentation, case studies and placement comes along the leadership lab which supposedly was to be at Khandala but instead was in such nooks of the campus we’ve never discovered!! Oh yeah, it definitely was colder than Khandala and we did have the whole bunch in it’s best unhinged self which was a pretty good experience!!

But the highlight would definitely be the opportunity to step into the Bhavna’s Nature and Adventure camp where I’ve always seen the peacock welcoming us, amazingly cute dogs tempting me to go and pet them, chipmunks jumping about the whole place and the noises of the different birds within the premise and the wild ones visiting!! This time we not only were allowed to see the many more living beings within the premise (including, not limited to turtles, rabbits, fishes and snakes) but we also were given the first hand experience on many outdoor adventures!!

I’m the kind that turns my back on any activity be it indoor or outdoor!! I vividly remember bowling for the first time!! Everytime we’ve been out, I always back out and let others take the game, but the first time I was asked to try it, I loved it!! But otherwise, I never ever try my hand at anything that involves height or physical exertion!!

Our first activity was Rock climbing!! And for the first time in my life I didn’t feel scared nor felt like running away!! I felt confident to just “try it out” which never has been my first reaction in my whole lifetime!! 25 feet wall seemed impossible, but all I told myself was “do as much as you can, and then two more” and that’s what I did!! I did what I could and then pushed myself two more!! And I did give up when my fingers seemed to give up!! But the security that someone was holding on gave me strength!! I was definitely pulled up a couple of steps but then the feeling of climbing up that podium gave a new sense of confidence!! 

The next was Rappeling!! I trusted gravity to pull me down and so I just let go!! Although in the struggle of climbing down in a certain angle I did lose a shoe and was a pretty laughable incident climbing down with one shoe, I am sure it’s gonna be a memory not just for me but the two that watched my comic and laughed with me!! 

I loved the rifle!! Showed me I have precision because all three shots were almost on the same point though miles (exaggerated) away from the A4 sheet called Target, and yeah it did have markings and bulls eye which I couldn’t ever aim!! Gonna practice shooting though!!

The next thing was team building games which were fun.. And then the whole task of multiple challenging activities which were a mixed bag of excitement, fear and ending with the zipline where I felt so proud of myself for doing all those activities whithout even having a hesitation of a moment.

I have always been a person who likes to be always on the safe ground (which generally means standing on the ground). But I am surprised at myself and even proud that I did not hold back myself and took the leap of "trying it out". There is a great thrill and excitement of doing things for the first time, so why not take some time out to do something that you always have wanted to do!! And yeah, this past year I did many things for the first time, be it singing in public, dancing (and discovering I like them), cooking new recipes and now outdoor activities too.. Life is short, live with no regrets!! Enjoy the thrill and excitement of doing something new, even if it means trying a new cuisine or dish! You may end up feeling happy or learning a lesson, but definitely it is something worth. Peace and love!

How are you?

“Hey, how are you?”

This is the first question in any normal conversation!!

It’s that question none of us answer honestly!!

Hey, I’m broken!! I’m sad, upset and have no energy at life!!

Hey, I’m tired!! Don’t even have the energy to do anything!!

Hey, I’m so in pain, I can literally feel the heaviness and pain in my chest!!

Hey, I have somehow gotten myself up from bed!!

Hey, I’ve not felt peace in a long time!

Hey, I’ve not slept well due to overwhelming thoughts!!

Hey, I’m just scraping it a day at a time!

Hey, I’m holding up barely!!

Yet, we all choose to say,

“Doing well bro, going on!! You say, wassup!! How are you?”

Phoenix - Rising from her ashes

A bird from the Greek mythology but referenced in various documents!!

Ancient Egyptians described her plumage to be golden and red!!

The best story of a Phoenix is about her reincarnation!! There is a version that says that the old bird dies and from the decay comes the new life!! But I want to believe in the dramatic version where she bursts out in flame and a new chick is born from the ashes!!

The flame burning through every essence of existence!

The pain seeping through every strain of life!

The agony wanting to stop the process!

The hope of a new life in horizon!

This is what she goes through when she burns up in flames!

She is a symbol of courage, she is a symbol of transformation!

She is a symbol of hope!

She is a lesson to us!

She is you, she is me,

Everytime we brave through!

So brave through the pain, scream through the agony!

Flame up all you have to!

Because you’ll soar again,

You’re a Phoenix, rising from her ashes!!

Loneliness

We all crave the attention of people!!

We all secretly hope to have someone that can be at our beck and call when we need them, not out of compulsion but because of that deep bond of understanding with them!!

We all know that friends have their priorities and cannot be available for us at all times, and so we need someone that we know will be with us!!

People say that you need others because you don’t love yourself enough!! But no matter how hard you try, you can never find that sense of security holding yourself as much as you find in the arms of someone you had loved!! 

People say that dependence on others is the cause of pain and you need to be independent enough to not crave anything from anyone!! But man is a social animal, cannot survive without the circle!!

People say that you should remember your responsibility because the burden of responsibility generally wakes up the reality!! But some days you just wish for someone to share your burdens with!!

And all these expectations is what generally leads to the biggest pain in life - Loneliness!!

We set certain expectations in life, we fail to reach or get what we expected and the resultant feeling we experience is what we call pain!! The dictionary doesn’t agree though, pain for them is either the physical unpleasant sensation or the excessive care or trouble a person takes!! 

When we go through a terribly emotional phase, the pain radiates to the body too and has physical manifestation, so yes, pain can be emotional or physical!! But why do we put ourselves through this over and over again??

It’s a very human thing to have attachments with people or things and when you are attached to them, you can end up having certain expectations in return!! So when my friend says something rude, my partner makes no time for me, my kid ignores me or if my scooter breaks down, I surely will feel pain (the magnitude falling lower in each case).. 

But can we live without any attachment to people at all? Unless and until we reach the pinnacle of Nirvana, I believe it is not possible.. We still will love people and be there for them. But we need to do it with the disclaimer to ourselves that they may not be there for us when we need them to and that is the risk of pain I am willing to take.. Can't think of life to be quid-pro-quo where others should reciprocate the same way I do.. Yes it will cause pain, yes it will hurt, yes it will trigger all the subsided trauma. But I will still rise once that pain passes.. The disclaimer makes us a bit prepared for the pain so that it doesn't take us by surprise. And the best part of expecting the worst, either you are prepared for that or some people surprise you and is there for you, which I believe is a win-win"er" situation in life..  

Pain has a very bad ring to it!! But it does help us become stronger, it teaches us more about ourselves and helps us face the remainder with more zeal!! But that only happens if you let pain be a lesson than a choice of life!! We all find our own ways to cope with life, we find out measures to protect us, develop our own coping mechanisms (some are self-sabotaging sadly).. But we eventually draw a path that we can tread through this journey of life..

A life without struggles and pain is impossible!! It’s as if life throws over these pebbles when it feels that it’s a bit happy and cozy for us!! So why not pave a way with these pebbles that life is throwing at us? After all, they say, when life gives you lemons, make a lemonade!!

Gratitude

When life seems to go downhill, we only focus on those things that are going bad in our life!! As taught in “Science of Spirituality” (a subject that is mandatory to become a successful manager because it is the emotions that control us over our facts), we tend to get caught up in a tendency to “overgeneralise” and think “bad things always happens to me”.

Looking back, every pain brought with it a lesson!! Though I’d love to go back a decade and be the naive person I was, I wouldn’t be who I am if not for the experiences!! I learnt many lessons on the way.. I learnt that relationship doesn’t last because of the name of the relationship but due to the efforts of the people!! I learnt that people that you believed can never hurt you, does!! I learnt that life is not about fantasies but a series of mundane routine that keeps life going!! I learnt that love is not what you see in movies but finding a sense of security and comfort in the partner!! I learnt that parenthood is a conscious decision each day no matter how hard it gets!!

And amongst all this, I learnt that life is not too bad!! Yes, there are people and experiences that brings you down to your knees.. But it’s never the end of the world no matter how bad it seems!! I still can trust (with the hope of never getting hurt again), still can smile and still can go on.. Because every day I find one little thing that gives me the reason to be thankful for, the person I call my son!! Because each day he reminds me that all my experiences led me to him and I can not imagine my life without him!! 

So when the bad thoughts happen, we forget to hold on to those little moments of gratitude life blesses us with!! And as I keep reminding myself, “look at the bright side of life”, and my bright side just brought me oodles of happiness with his error in his exam sheet!!

(If you didn’t understand what he meant)

I will give my mother water

I will say a story

I will play with my mother

I will study with my mother

I will help my mother tidy my room (though he cleans up after himself)

Although he didn’t get the answer right, I can never thank heavens for giving me him!! I always knew parents love you more than anyone ever can!! But after my kiddo, I guess I’m just too blessed to find such a pure soul that loves me to the core!  And no matter what, I always am and will be thankful for everything that happened in my life because it ultimately gave me my son!! 

Find your little moments of happiness, find your happy corner and your pure bliss of joy!! Life is certainly unfair and there are definitely gonna be moments and days when you feel low!! Remember the goodness in this world , remember the goodness in “your” world and hold on through it!!

Happy Father's Day

 

Break the Bias!

How happy can a single mother be? How can a mother be able to provide stern guidance to a growing-up boy without a father? How can a woman run a house and look after the kid without a husband? How can a woman feel secure without a man? How can someone with a broken academic chart make something for herself after almost a decade? How can someone with a broken marriage face life? Well, these are queries thrown on me when my decision of walking out of an abusive marriage came out in the public. Being from a close-knit Christian community has some drawbacks in the form of well-wishers who mean well but doesn’t realise how outdated their outlook about success and happiness is. Gone are the times of “adjusting” and “tolerating” an abusive husband just because you get a social acceptance of having a family. ! 

Mi Fuerza, Mi Vida, Mi Amor : Mi Hijo!!

Hey my boy,

It’s so fast that time has passed!! I remember vividly the excitement of finding those “double lines” on the test strip!! I remember the butterfly flutters inside me when you moved!! I totally remember the sleepless nights, swellings and aches I felt when pregnant!! I can never forget the endless hours and pain at the hospital!! But what I don’t remember is how you grew up so fast!!I don’t remember how did time fly so fast that a tiny little being snuggled under my arms is now a pretty grown up boy, still snuggling under my arm!! 

I can never claim of being a great parent!! I’ve failed as a mother all along, I've made many mistakes.. I experimented parenting on you!! But you gave me a hug or smile and so much of love that it made me want to be a better parent!! People say that parents raise kids, I would say that it’s a two sided street!! Parents impart life skills to kids, parents learn about life and love from them!!

You taught me what forgiveness is, because I could hold grudge forever but you taught me how easier it is to forget the hurt! There are times I’ve removed my frustrations on you, reacted badly under pressure from other things!! Yet, you never once stayed angry on me!! Rather you would make it a point to be the first one to initiate a hug when I apologise!! 

You’ve  grown up a bit more quicker and mature than what you should have!! I was almost a kid when I had you; both of us grew up in these years!! I did not know anything about parenting despite having read millions of text on the same!! The practical part of parenting is dealing with life and learning on the go!! Both, you and I, grew up and is figuring life as we go on!! 

I have always told, and will always boast about how it is you that saved me, gave me strength, gave me love!! You are the reason I face life with a smile, you are the reason I have a motivation to face yet another day!! People say I am strong, well, a lioness always protects her cubs.. And I have enough reasons to be strong having you with me!!  

You are everything I am proud of. I am so happy to see you growing up each day into a wonderful human being. Every time you show your loving, caring, gentle side, I beam with pride for doing something right in life.. You happened to me at a time I was not ready for you, but I am glad such a happy accident happened.. Although parenting is a daily struggle, the satisfaction and love in return is worth it.. As I always tell all my young parents, "Cherish the days.. The days seems long but the years seem short". I can't believe you are turning 7 in a couple of months.. Time definitely has flown!! I am sure some day you will be grown up to read this letter and comprehend it, until then, stay this young, cute, bubbly ball of love for a bit more longer!! 

Mi fuerza, mi vida, mi amor!!

Being a woman!!

Melinda Gates has said “A woman with a voice is by definition a strong woman. But the search to find that voice can be remarkably difficult.” To quote Sheila Murray Bethel “One of the most courageous things you can do is identify yourself, know who you are, what you believe in and where you want to go.”

The major part of our life that we need to unlearn and relearn is to exert our voices, to be heard and to be able to reach our potentials without being put down due to our gender!

The times today are changing and no more are women confined to their houses!! With this freedom we need to also be able to vocalise ourselves and know our purpose!! We are in a time when women are getting strong but the society isn’t able to catch up!! It is very necessary that we learn how to be able to bring about a shift in the mindset of the society as well as ourselves: to unlearn a lot of misogynistic thoughts that has been instilled as a part of culture.. Hence it is important that young women be equipped with strength and to be able to be a better version of a person we are!!  We are not given a spirit of fear but that of love , power and self control! 

A strong woman fights for her, a stronger woman fights for others!! We aren’t here to fight but to strengthen and equip ourselves and to be able to adapt into this changing society! For people that says “women are weaker”, yes we may be a bit weaker in the physical attributes but definitely not so weak when it comes to emotional strength!! We do have the strength to smile at the face of a storm!! And you know what, we can also Multi task as well as deal with things in a more empathetic manner (our inherent caring nature you see)!!

As Marie Curie states “Life is not easy for any of us. But what of that? We must have perseverance and, above all, confidence in ourselves. We must believe we are gifted for something and that this thing must be attained.”

Happy Valentine's Day

The month of February is called the month of Love because 1 out of the 4 weeks of the month has been widely commercialised as the week of "Love". This is the week when chocolates, soft toys, jewellery websites and even celebrities pop up to remind us of the feeling of "Love".  Being a romantic and a hardcore Nicholas Sparks fan has made me look forward to this day..

Valentine's Day was supposed to be a reminder to tell your significant other about your feelings for them.. Valentine’s Day started in memory of St Valentine who was martyred on Feb 14!! Archie’s took over and made the whole world join in the celebration of this memory as the day of love!! And a further boost to the business by adding chocolate, teddy, rose, propose, hug etc. as prequel celebration to the celebration of love!! However, the shift from Valentine's day to Valentine's week has made the season lose its essence. It is a very popular knowledge that Valentine's is now nothing but a marketing gimmick reminding people to express their love through materials. I am in no way against a public display of love or a grand expression of feelings, but it should not be aimed at gaining public attention but a genuine display of love.

Life without the significant other on a day when everyone flaunts love pinches a bit!! It reminds you of the pain you have finally healed from(the gratitude of losing something toxic failing to pop up), puts the flashbacks of those happy times and the milestones you’ve celebrated and ends up with that picture of a broken you at the end of that phase!! That’s when you should remember there’s so many more people that can resonate with you and love you, if not that one person!!

Love is a beautiful feeling: a feeling of security and warmth, a feeling of comfort, a feeling of being vulnerable yet safe!! Love for us is generally taught to be “a significant other” that is supposed to provide us with all of these feelings!! All our romantic movies and these amazing writers makes it so believable that there’s someone that walks into your life and makes it worthwhile!! But I believe love need not be just one person, it could be a bunch of people we call friends!! They don't judge or make you insecure, always support you, reprimand you if needed and always have your back!! When you’re low, just a catch-up or a quick call can turn your frown upside down!! They know you more than you know yourself!! 

Also, one very overlooked love is self-love which many of us struggle with!! Looking at the mirror I see my flaws and I find very difficult to be able to love myself!! I know my quirks, my hidden self which isn’t the best face of me!! Then I wonder how can others love me if I can’t love my own self!! I have accepted my flaws, working on my shortcomings to become a better person than what I am!! And during the times of my self doubt, I am constantly reminded of being loved by a lot of people, the biggest one being my youngest supporter whom I call my son!!

This Valentine’s Day may not be easy!! Maybe the long distance is taking a toll on your relationship, maybe you’ve not found your significant other yet, maybe you’ve lost someone that once was your significant other!! Maybe everything is well and you’re with your love!! Whatever maybe your situation, there’s love beyond a person, there’s love beyond a reason, there’s love beyond the pain, there’s love meant for us!! So let’s just cherish the feeling and enjoy the day!! Don’t forget, love in all forms is beautiful!! And if you still struggle to find love, step out and feed a stray; they’ll display you selfless love no human can ever give!!

Happy valentines!!

Reflective best self

It was an assignment that was compulsory for us!! I fretted at the fact that I need to ask people about me but who doesn’t like compliments!! Given a chance to hear good about you that too at the expense of the college was a chance I readily cashed in on!!

So I started with sending out a message to people to fill up a simple google form!! I initially dropped a message but a wise person advised me to collate the same in a google form instead to organise it in an uncomplicated manner!! And man, I have been smiling ever since I started getting the first response!

If not for the assignment I wouldn’t ever bother to ask anyone about their opinion about me nor do many ever come over to compliment on your character as such!! People do compliment when you dress well or maybe someone that gets to know you may comment and compliment on your character but it isn’t too often that happens!! But this exercise reminded me to compliment others often too!! 

Everyone is battling their own things in their own ways, some we know of and others we don’t!! There are so many instances of weakness in my life and I’ve been blessed to find support in my tribe through it!! And guess what, it’s majorly the same people that has commented on my strengths saying “confident, positive attitude” when they are the ones that give me that strength!!

I never realised what picture I portrayed to others!! This exercise helped me know what my friends, colleagues and peers thought of me!! And served as a gentle reminder to compliment someone when I see their strengths because what I noticed good about them maybe something they don’t even know about!!

So cheers to spreading positivity and me back to assignment backlogs!! And just for fun, why not do this exercise yourself and ask your people to compliment you!! Because those words stay etched and can be used as a reminder of your strengths!! 

Decoding abuse!!