Not your typical “wife” material

I’m not the sacrificial kind that will let go of my slumber to pack you three bags of tiffin!!

I’m not the kind you’ll see from 5am to 10pm in the kitchen making food round the clock to prepare a table full of food per meal!!

I’m not the kind that will be obedient and follow your instructions to the T..

I’m not the kind that will restrict my friend list to the wives of your friends (because your “girl” friends are off limits for being friends with me and as a wife I shouldn’t have any friends - be them of any gender)

I’m not the kind people call a “Susheel, sanskari bahu”

I’m not the kind to be quiet when you behave like abusing me is your birthright!!

I’m not the kind  that pays you lakhs and car to get married to you!!

I’m not the kind that will keep quiet when I see you write about paying huge alimony when the reality is that you’ve not even given me 20% of what you’ve taken from me..

I’m not the kind that makes “being your wife” the only ambition in life because “love is all that is enough to make life worthwhile, the happy family is the end and career is just a mean to the end!”

Well, I mean to say I’m not that kind “anymore”..

That relationship taught me the difference between being a wife as per the social norms and being a wife the way I wanna be!!

I’m a partner, a friend, a supporter, a fan, a help, a co parent and everything it takes to run the relationship, when I’m with the one that does the same for me!! 

I’m not that typical wife material that a man child looks for, I’m the wife material for a “man”..

(Unlike some disclaimers, none of the facts are distorted or fictional and if anyone wants to use it for defamation can and should go ahead)

In remembrance of a decade wasted 🕯️

Wait for them ♥️

For a person that makes you feel like crap, you’ll find a person that makes you feel like the centre of the universe!!

For a person that doesn’t know your favourites, you’ll find someone that learns about you and showering you with the love you crave!!

For a person that doesn’t care for you even when you’re in a situation where you’re unable to get up, you’ll find someone that notices the slightest change in your tone and expression and puts efforts to make things better for you!!

For a person that shatters your soul, you’ll find a person that instills your confidence and supports you through your dreams! 

For a person that made you question your sanity, you’ll find a person that reminds you how strong and capable you are!!

For someone who wants you to make life easy for them despite it not being convenient for you, you’ll find someone who makes life convenient and beautiful for the both of you!!

For a person that paid no attention to your passion, you’ll find someone who not only motivates you to find your passion but also supports you through it!!

For a person that couldn’t stand a conversation with you, you’ll find a person that stays hours to hear you blabber even if they don’t understand exactly what you say but the excitement on you to share keeps them glued!!

For a person that left you and shattered you at every argument, you’ll find a person that says “I’m not picking a fight with you, you share your feelings and I’ll share mine and we will fix it as we go”!

For a person that makes everyday a nightmare, you’ll find someone that makes every day a bliss!!

For a person that made you lose hope in love, you’ll find someone that is a personification of love and can’t wait to spend your life with them!!

When life gives you the former, wait for the latter, s/he always shows up!!

Life of a single mom

Not every single parent is a single parent by choice, it’s the toughest decision one makes in their life weighing the cost of having a parent removed off their child’s life against raising a happy child!! Everyday you doubt yourself if your decision is right or not, everyday you ponder if your child is having the best life s/he could have had!! 

It’s the exhaustion of doing it all, it is the pressure of being perfect, it’s is the guilt of having permanently scarred your child, it’s the motivation to do the best for your child!! It’s a lot of feelings all crumpled inside a human that can at times pull you down!!

It’s the feeing of helplessness knowing that your kid had to mature long before than what he should have!! It’s the pain you see on your kids face when he sees other kids around with two parents while you can only remind yourself that a single happy parent is better than two unhappy ones!!

It’s the guilt of not doing it all because it’s humanly impossible to do it all by yourself!! It’s providing for the family, nurturing the kid, keeping tab on routines, deadlines, exams, studies, activities, birthdays, finding your me time, finding “us” time and everything that come along and waking up next day to resume the same!!

It’s the guilt of taking a break from work to attend to the domestic chores or the guilt of allocating domestic chores to someone else bcz you can’t take a break at work!!

Life is full of guilts and letting go of the need to do it all.. But one thing I don’t feel anymore is “regret” because I know my kid wouldn’t have had a life any better if this wasn’t the path I chose!! 

The first man to have loved me!!

It’s not a hidden secret that dad’s and their daughters (especially the eldest) have a weird bond!! A dad is a daughter’s first hero!! And as Ryan Reynolds once quoted “I wouldn’t mind using my wife as a human shield to protect my child”, well that’s kind of how fiercely protective a dad is for his girl!!

My journey with my dad follows the same curve as any dad and his elder daughter!! The eldest girl gets all her ego and hot headedness from her man and they both go cats and dogs at each other!! But they both love each other to bits!!

I believe in love because my man has shown me that I am loved beyond words!! He probably never told me “I love you” but he’s never let an instance go in my growing up days where he didn’t show his love!! Simple things like getting us our favourite food, taking us out to restaurants often as a family - it was a tradition all our childhood.. Going out with dad would be a medu vada for me and masala dosa for my sister at Saroj or porotta or appam at sunny hotel, followed by a walk back home and cornetto from Satish uncles shop.. the kook Chinese place will always mean a lot bcz that’s the place my dad tricked my mom into joining us.. I vividly remember the spring roll and tomato soup I had with croutons.. my dad called up my mom who had refused to join us for the reason that she wasn’t well and didn’t want to come out.. he told her that he didn’t have money on him so plz get some cash.. and that was a complete family dinner, I don’t think my mom felt unwell after the dinner.. it never felt anything grand but now after growing up, I wish to again relive those days and this time cherish and enjoy it to the core!! 

I remember my dads trip to Dubai, he called up to ask what we wanted.. I don’t remember what my sister asked for, I asked for a makeup box.. I’m not a person who is fond of make up but maybe I was just fascinated seeing it at someone’s house.. he didn’t ask why does a six year old need make up, and I probably even forgot about it.. but he returned with toys, fancy clothes and my small little make up box.. I still have my husky toy and have never forgotten that float skirt and top with a very fancy sleeve, a type I recently found a kurta and reminded me of that top.. that make up box was used just once in its existence, it was kept away as a memoir until the floods destroyed everything!!

I always know that I could never pester my dad into something, that’s my sisters forte.. she could make puppy eyes and get my dad agree on things.. but for me, if I ever mentioned something, he would get it done even if he says no on the face of it!! I don’t even remember the many things he’s done for me because he never made it into a big deal.. 

He’s not perfect, don’t get me wrong!! He probably never remembers my birthday even now.. he might not even wish me or just mutter “happy birthday” in the passing.. But he doesn’t stop making each day special.. when I craved for sweet potato during my pregnancy, he bought it from somewhere even though it wasn’t in season!! Everytime he comes from kerala, he asks what do I want!! More often than not I don’t really need anything but he ends up getting things beyond what I have mentioned and those are things I actually would have craved for!! To put things into perspective, his visit today was with a bag full of tapioca, plantain and tender coconut straight from the farm, and his apology is that he had to keep back half the things since he exceeded the luggage capacity.. and he did not forget the banana chips I asked for, added mixture  too to the bag.. 

I know what is love because he’s loved me.. and it’s not about the things he does for me, it is also about giving me the space to be me.. although, given a choice, he would definitely want me way different from who I am now!! But he loves me nonetheless.. despite our disagreements, he still cares for me and looks out for me.. 

I don’t think he’s a perfect husband though, but he showers love on the people in his life to the core, be it us or our mom.. the man he was while we were growing up is very different from the man he is now, and the man he is now is a very evolved and better person than the man he was while hustling to set up our lives!! 

I love this man bcz he has struggled all his life and even now he’s not fully at rest!! And yet, he is changing his ways and thoughts and behaviour to be a better human being rather than wanting the people around him to accustom themselves to him!! He’s a human with his shortcomings, but everytime I see the picture of my parents giggling, smiling and coyly hugging each other and my mom blushing, even after 35 years of marriage, they give relationship goals.. a man that has slogged hard, a woman that stood by him (even when things were not what she wanted) and together they now stand proof to a happy marriage, a marriage I wish everyone has, a marriage with struggles but partners that stands for each other and triumph together, a marriage where they have petty fights but many laughters, stories and can’t stand a day apart without talking to each other!!

This man taught me not to settle for anyone less than a man that can love me the way he loves, treat me with the care he gives, provide and nurture me, support me the way he does!! And that’s the love I manifest because I’ve been loved by this man and even if I forgot it for a brief while, he still does love me and pamper me the way he did when I was a toddler crawling all over him!! It’s a known truth and a pinch on my sister, my dad loves me more than he loves her, he loves me more than he loves anyone including my own kid.. but he loves all of them  as much as anyone can ever love someone!! I’m just a bit on a pedestal because he probably spoils me more than he spoils anyone else!! He’s afterall the first man to have really loved me!!

The greatest of them is Love!

To be loved is to be accepted for who you are without expecting you to change into the person they want you to be!!

It is to help you identify your shortcomings without criticising!!

It is to help improve you without keeping tabs on the favours they confer!!

It is to be treated with dignity and respect!!

It is to celebrate your small joys!!

It is to being your pillar of strength when you are weak!!

It is to restore your hope in the goodness in the world when you have lost all hopes!!

It is to reinstate your dreams and show you how you can achieve it!!

It is to giving newer hopes and dreams for yourself!!

It is to forgive your shortcomings and not hold you accountable for faltering!!

It is to give you your space for feeling safe and comfortable!!

To love is to keep your ego and anger aside for your person!!

It is to finding a solution with each other and not against each other!!

It is to to be a listening ear, a helping hand, a comforting word, a friend, a guide and whatever the situation asks of you!!

It is to accepting that it isn’t 50-50 business, but a 100-100; when you can’t give it all the other person fills your share and you do the same to them in their lows!! 

It is being committed to working on the relationship when difficulties arise rather than quitting it at the onset!!

It is the trust you build in the other person!!

It is to work on your flaws and improve yourself!!

It is to accepting differences respectfully!!

It is to be consistent in your efforts and not take the other person for granted!!

To love and be loved is to grow individually as well as together towards the common vision envisioned!!

Love is a small world but the essence that keeps humanity from perishing!!

Spread love ♥️

The taboo of “Divorce”

It was 15th of July 2022 when I got the message stating “the decree has been passed”.

I thought I’d feel relieved, I’d feel overwhelmed, I’d feel ecstatic!! But to my surprise, I didn’t feel anything!! It was just another passing information, another list of things to do for me, for me to change my identity once again!!

The four years leading to the decree had seen me passing through all stages of grief!

Started off as shock and denial - it couldn’t be an end!! We’ve been having issues for years and we’ve had episodes where I was discarded and threatened with a divorce but I always went back!! So this time too it felt like this wasn’t an end but would have me going back to him! (So glad I decided to end the cycle) Afterall all that I had in life was the family I had made and I had to make it work!! (Thankfully I decided to make a happy family for the only person that mattered)

Then it was followed by pain and guilt!! The pain of having lost a decade, lost the life I had built in my head, the dream I dreamt of living!! I was filled with guilt and shame, how would I tell the world that I no more am married? How do I tell my son that he has just a parent that will be with him?? 

Once the pain subsided, Anger and bargaining took place.. anger at myself for staying too long in toxicity, bargained that if he loves you, he will understand your point of view and will also be willing to take steps to make it work!! Anger is best described as the mask of pain!! Because it’s easier to be angry at the world than discard that mask and show how hurt you are!! It’s easier to make the world hate you for your anger and justify being alone than having people walk over you over and over and put you through pain every time you open up!!

Depression was the close runner where I believe I haven’t seen the people in my house for days, haven’t spoken a word to anyone, barely ate, barely slept, always was either bawling or too tired to even shed a tear!! It went sadly for a bit too long!! Couple it with the lockdown and loss of job, it felt like the pit being dug deeper and deeper!! But I can’t thank the people enough that put it efforts out of their way to help me up!! Fortunately we could go to kerala during the time, it was such a gathering with everyone at home, cousins celebrating Onam, Diwali and Christmas, eating together almost everyday with someone or the other cooking “specials”, exploring nature and making core memories!! It was beautiful!! I had people that called me weekly just to say “beta, tu theek hai nA?” (Kiddo, you ok right?).. there were friends who kept and still keep pumping me with motivation every time they realise I am falling low!! And many of them no more are in touch on a regular basis but they’ve been my pillars when I needed them and I can’t thank the Heavens enough for having brought them to my life!!

Upward turn was the only way out!! Once all the motivation came in, life had no other place to go but towards the better!! And there I took the difficult step of investing a year and decently good enough money to get myself enrolled for higher education!! Lo and behold, #inkedbySPJ became true!! And in this duration, I also understood that the fantasy of “he will realise how much I love him and will want to work on this marriage” doesn’t hold true!! I heard the stories coming from far and wide and decided that the one that makes no effort to even be a part of his kid’a life but can go to any extent to destroy mine can never ever keep my son safe and happy!! That decision is all it took to sit down at the table to ask for a divorce! If I did have a chance, I’d fight for what i rightfully deserve but all that mattered was to close the chapter even if it meant agreeing to his terms one last time in my life!! 

Reconstruction and working through happened once the steps towards the right direction was taken!! Got a job, got financially, physically and emotionally secure!! Got a bunch of people I know for sure wants to see me soar and has my back at all times, found my tribe, my voice, my identity and my life!! 

Acceptance and hope happened even before the decree came!! I accepted the end of a decade that I would term “the unhappiest marriage ever possible” and I know and hope for the happiness I know I deserve!! 

Sometimes it does feel bad, but it’s ok to be sad at times than having sadness as life!! Once you move towards the peak, you have a difficult path to cross, but the view from the top is worth the struggle!! And life is always the journey to reach the top, and the journey hasn’t been easy but it was made enjoyable with the right people at every stage of life!!

So when I received that decree on the 15th of July 2022, it didn’t feel anything great because I did experience a plethora of emotions to reach there and I not once will doubt that decision because in no universe would this work unless both of us were born with different personalities!! So it was the best decision and the glimmer of happiness on a daily basis keeps reminding me how it indeed was the best thing to do!!

About myself

Well, the task given me was to introduce myself in a para to welcome me to the official group!! That’s when I began to wonder who exactly I am!!

I know the typical one minute elevator pitch i perfected during the one year of PG life and I can recite it without a second thought!! But beyond the muscle memory, the conscious thought took a hold today!! 

I’m a person that has evolved with a personality which has been influenced by all the people that have passed through my life!! Every time I listen to a few songs or artists, I remember the person that has introduced them to me!! Food habits of mine are influenced by the people I’ve been with, ordering a plate of nachos reminds me of my bestie that made loaded nachos a regular bite!! My habits, my thoughts, my beliefs are influenced by the people that raised me and the people I’m around!! My beliefs are challenged at times which makes me change it when I feel I’m wrong!! My parenting style keeps changing based on situation and what I have come across as something I should incorporate!!

I’m a constant work in progress, someone that is different from the person I was a decade ago, someone that is different from the person I will be a decade hence!! I have become better in many areas, become adamant in some, become worse in some, but it’s a constant process!! People still rub their music, food, places preferences on me and I adapt to it without a second thought!! People don't always stay for a lifetime but their influence becomes a part of you that stays with you for long!! And certain times you recognise the habits you've picked up from others, fondly remember the person and quietly move on with your life, or drop in a message to the person and connect with them if you're still in touch!! 

So who am I? I am a person that has become who I am by the influence of the people, situations and choices that has passed by, and I am proud of the person I am constantly growing into!!