Planned life!!

At 19 my plans were on choosing a career and discovering what I want to do with my life!! I never planned on falling in love!! I fantasized love and my ideal relationship but at that age it was only about "Spend your life and grow old with you best friend, sharing laughter and troubles as it comes".. Thats what a teenager feels, I felt the same and when someone I felt connected to came along, I was in love before knowing it!!

At 21 my only plans were to be graduated and complete my CA course and get a high paying corporate job that helps me pay my bills, travel the world and have my own cozy comfy funky place with a big library.. I did top my college with a really good score and also cleared inter CA which I kept delaying long.. But when my love proposed, I decided to get married.. Marriage wasn't planned but that was a beautiful beginning!!

At 23 my plans were to complete my course and design the house we moved in!! I made the house of my dreams complete with a library adjacent to the window and a sitting corner near that to chill!! I also had small and big show walls and picture and artifact displays.. So happy to have the dream of a house come true.. So did another unplanned dream of having a tiny life come true.. I did make some alterations in my life, put aside the career aspirations to raise the one that matters..

Holding that tiny bundle in my arms at 24, all my plans seemed worthless and my plans revolved only around the kid.. Good school, extra curricular centers as per his decisions when he grows, his circle of friends and influence!! 

At 28 I never planned on being a single mother, but life made some decisions for me.. Some things I influenced, some things I reacted, some things happened wrong.. But over the course of time, life gave me few choices.. I tried taking away the option of living but death wouldn't be the way to do so!!

Had it been my way, 2020 would be the year by when Joshua would have had a sibling.. By 2020, I would have been established in my career with a reputed company.. By 2020, I would have been celebrating anniversaries and occasions with my extended family.. By 2020, I would have struck down many places over the globe from my bucket list with my husband.. This is the last year before beginning the 30's and I intended to enjoy life fully before kids enter a difficult phase..

How many plans i made, life took a completely different route!! Things aren't easy and neither am I.. Had it gone as I planned, I wouldn't be as tough as I am now.. I wouldn't have learnt anything had I gotten my way!! Life doesn't go as planned, we make plans as life goes on!!

Life goes on!!

Melissa regained her consciousness on the hospital bed.. It took few minutes for her to remember what happened.. She needed a second to compose herself.. She was in the hospital to have her baby.. She turned around and noticed it was night time.. There were some machines beeping, she had an IV running, she could feel the pain creeping in and her lower half seemed numb.. She saw the bassinet at a distance.. She was thirsty and famished like she's not eaten since days!! She wanted to ring the bell but didnt find the energy to do it!! She stretched her finger out and passed out again just when the nurse walked in.. All she overheard was “The painkiller is making her drowsy, I hope she will be up soon and can comfort her kid!”

She was here to have her baby, her miracle.. Her husband David and she have been trying since years to have a baby.. When the treatments started affecting their health and draining them off, they resorted to adoption and brought home a beautiful baby girl Rachel.. She meant the world to them.. Rachel was a year and half old when they brought her home.. They were living happily enjoying every milestone, living through the pre school days, surviving some tough nights when Rachel fell ill.. It was a bliss and she thanked heavens always for this loving family.. And as a cherry on the cake, she discovered she was pregnant soon after Rachel turned five.. The whole family was excited, Rachel being the most happiest.. She designed the nursery for the baby, read to the baby bump and sang songs while her parents just watched her suddenly growing into an older sister..

She opened her eyes.. Their family picture and banner saying “Congratulations, it's a boy” was hanging.. That was designed by Rachel.. Below it was the picture from their baby shower, Rachel beaming at the rainbow cake with her parents David and Melissa on either side with all of them placing their hands on the baby bump.. The whole frame with a rainbow background: it was Melissa's favorite picture so far as it represented the hope she had post the many miscarriage and failed IVF.. David and Rachel were very thoughtful and made the recovery room beautiful!! But where were they? She looked around and saw the bassinet.. The nurse was nearby checking some files..

Melissa asked for her baby to be brought to her.. But the nurse insisted she does not strain.. She couldn't understand why the nurse said so.. She brought the baby to Melissa and Melissa felt her heart melting seeing the baby.. That perfect child, fast asleep and smiling too!! He was perfect.. She felt pain all over her body but she couldn't stop herself from holding him!! She stretched out her ams to take the baby and that's when she noticed the cast on her arms..

She was just beginning to recollect the day!! It was an accident, the whole family was traveling to the hospital.. Melissa had developed labor pain when they were attending Rachel's annual day program.. They hurriedly picked up Rachel and was rushing to the hospital when a truck rammed into their vehicle.. She remembered looking at Rachel, she was sitting near her in the backseat while David was driving.. She couldn't recall much except that she saw the glass shatter and felt sharp pain with the piercing.. She felt like she saw Rachel falling in front, but those were glimpses and she couldn't recollect it!! She wanted to see David and Rachel immediately..

“Where is my husband and kid?? Are they fine?? I want to see them now!” She screamed and immediately jumped to her feet.. Thats when her brother Sam walked into the room.. “Hey Mel, relax.. Breathe.. Its all OK dear.. Rachel is fine, she's got a broken arm too just like you.. But she's much better.. She's got a princess themed cast.. She took us home and asked us to put up this banner.. She's home with my family.. Mom and dad are flying in today, they will be here soon.” Saying this he turned to the nurse and handed over some medical bag and picked the baby from Melissa.. 

Melissa was relieved for a split second and then realised that Sam didn't mention David.. “Sam, how's David?? Where's he?? Is he home with Rachel too?” “Mel… Relax a bit OK.. Look at this munchkin, he's so adorable.. Looks like David right?? BTW Dave's parents are here too, they will be in in just a while!!” “Sam, you're dodging the question.. Where's David?”

Sam took a minute to compose himself, placed the baby back in the bassinet and sat near Melissa.. He held her hand saying “Mel, it was a terrible accident.. You were badly hurt and bleeding, they immediately had to operate on you.. Rachel is fine with some minor scratches and a broken bone.. But Dave, he… he isn't so fine dear.. The air bag didnt deploy, the police says he didnt wear the seat belt.. He had a head injury and was in coma.. We were hoping for a sign of improvement which should have happened in 72 hours.. You were unconscious and we had to make a decision and we had no choice but pull the plug..”

Melissa was silent, shocked and reactionless.. Sam gave her some time to process it.. Seeing her still in shock, he gave her a tight hug.. She slowly began weeping, tears wetting his shirt.. From soft sobs it immediately turned into loud wails.. She needed to scream it out!! Dave's parents walked in and both of them and Melissa broke down and wept profusely..

It took another week for Melissa to be discharged.. Her parents and Sam were helping her move out.. Sam brought in a 15 year old boy on a wheel chair and introduced him to Melissa.. “Mel, meet Edward.. He just recently under went a heart transplant.. You remember how Dave always wanted his organs to be donated so that another person can live further?? When we pulled the plug, I signed off for organ donation.. Edward is one of the recipients.. There are four more people who have received Dave's organs.. Sorry that we made this decision without you but it had to be made immediately..”

“Sam, stop apologizing.. I know you did what Dave wanted you to.. I know what you did helped a lot of people.. Dave would be so proud today knowing he made a life altering change in someone else's life!! Edward, come here.. The man that gave you his heart is a great man.. He had lots of love for every living being.. Even though he's passed, his heart beating here should be a reminder to you to do good for others in every possible way!” She was already choking, she couldn't speak further and started weeping again.. Edward hugged her and assured he will do his best and the nurse took him back!!

Sam helped her to the wheelchair, her parents carried the banner.. Rachel was brought in too to meet her mother and baby brother.. Holding the baby in her arms and Rachel by her hand, she told “Jake and Rachel, Dave and I are proud of being your parents.. From here on, we may not see your dad with us.. But remember he's always in our hearts.. Your dad was a good man and died too sharing love.. Thats the person we need to look up to.. That's what I will raise you up to be, a good human being!!”

The biggest loss!!

There were some good olé days that existed..

I loved genuinely..

I trusted blindly..

I laughed whole heartedly.. 

I don't do that anymore..

My love was trampled..

My trust was shattered..

My laughter was taken away!!

All because I loved someone who doesn't understand love!!

All because I trusted someone who doesn't know to be trustworthy!!

All because I fixated my laughter on someone's happiness whom I could never make happy!!

The worst of all this is that I know what went wrong..

However I can never be the person who believed in falling in love with someone, find someone I can trust and hoped for a future filled with the voices of laughter!!

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Happily Divorced!!

Facebook posts the relationship status of "In a Relationship", "Engaged" and "Married" with a default sharing option to "Everyone" or "Friends of friends".. But when you change it to " Single", "Separated" or "Divorced", the default setting is "Only me".. 

It shows how proud and happy we are to flaunt being with someone but its not a happy news getting out of a relationship!! I've personally seen people married for decades cribbing about their significant other every chance they get.. They are unhappy with each other, have frequent brawls (or no communication at all in some couples) and have kids seeing this and being affected.. Yet when one wants to break out of such a marriage, they come over and convince you "See, we have been through what you are going through.. But we are supposed to adjust and Sacrifice.. That's what we women should do in order to maintain a family.. Think about your child, do you want them to grow fatherless?? So what the father is not around, the world doesn't need to know it.. You need to compromise and make it work.." 

How often do we consider bearing abuse as the ultimate form of sacrifice?? What did you get being with someone for twenty - thirty years but never being happy with each other?? What did you get WASTING that life of yours and destroying the idea of love and marriage for the coming generation?? Either your kids grow up to be the dominant one or the oppressed one.. When do they learn what is a healthy relationship??

In a healthy happy family, parents argue.. They will have difference of opinions, will have occasional raised voice and a skipped dinner.. But they have smiles, happiness, conversation and a bond.. There may be dull times, there may be difficult times.. But they bounce back from the downs, they hold each other up, be strong during the other's weakness, nurture the sick one to health, support the other's dreams and be there without being asked to!! Its a commitment that needs to be adhered all life long!!

If that happiness is missing for a short while, you can think of it as a phase and be strong through it.. But it if that becomes your everyday routine, reminding the other of your existence as a human becomes a daily chore, if the other person cannot even grant you the liberty of being genuinely Happy, then its not worth it!!

You don't have any obligation to anyone to maintain a marriage where nobody is happy.. You don't owe any explanation about how much you have tolerated.. You don't have to prove your efforts in making the marriage work!! All you need to ensure is that you're happy taking the decision and that the decision is made for you by you (and subsequently the children are secured and happy).. 

Maybe the problem solely was between the parents and both parents doted on the kids.. So do they need to stay together being unhappy just so that they can be with their kid?? There are so many couples in limelight that has already proved that marriage dissolution doesn't lead to dissolution of parenthood.. Just like them even commoners can find a way out to ensure the kids get love, attention and time from both parents alongside the parents who find their own happiness after the end of the marriage!! Win-win situation for all if you can find a mature solution to your problems!!

Marriage isn't a day's fun fare and pomp.. It is the whole of your life time together.. Vowing "till death do us apart" shouldn't be to hope for death of your partner to get out of an unhappy marriage.. That vow has a lot of addendum to it.. If you cannot ensure your partner is loved, cared, protected and nurtured, the marriage is already dead.. No point sticking together in a dead marriage because of a vow.. A wilted plant can be restored; a dead one cannot be revived!! 

Water the "love" to protect it from dying but if it's already dead, have the sense to walk out!! Remember your vows and abide by them.. But when the feelings are long gone, don't stay unless your heart wants you to!! Staying together for the world is a convenience to avoid the confrontation with them!! But the internal conflict of staying in that lonely marriage will kill you more than the words, glances or snide remarks of the world once you walk out of it!! Dealing with the world is far easier than with an unhappy self!! Its better to be HAPPILY DIVORCED than UNHAPPILY MARRIED!!

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Cuddling him, I don't know if it's me comforting him n putting him to sleep or him comforting me n putting me to sleep!!

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Tolerance

Where is the tolerance today??

Tolerance towards people having different beliefs than ours??

Tolerance towards people having different religion than ours??

Tolerance towards people wanting different things than us??

Tolerance towards people who have different sexual orientation than us??

Tolerance towards people having different political thoughts than us??

Tolerance towards people having different ideology in life than us??

Tolerance towards people having different food preference than ours??

Tolerance towards people having different dressing sense than ours??

What exactly is this tolerance that we lack today??

Tolerance refers to the ability or willingness to tolerate the existence of opinions or behaviour that one dislikes or disagrees with.

In this fast paced society where people want everything at the click of a finger, patience is getting lost.. And along with losing patience, one thing that the generation now is losing and what we essentially need to sustain peacefully is "Tolerance"

We cannot have any world where all the people agree on just one common thing.. People have their unique mindset which makes every human and their thoughts as unique as them.. You may find someone whose choices meet yours in somethings but never in everything!! So why can't we have a world where we can live our life nearby someone whose choices are different?? If you want them to be like you and they want you to be like them, then where would there be cordial relations??

The problem we see today is that everyone has a voice and everyone makes it heard out there in the social media world.. But that is just filling the world with hate if you don't see it.. It is so convenient to sit at home and hurl abuses at someone and have them abuse you back, get instigated and give back more.. Then comes people who take up sides and continue it!! Do you realize how much hatred it is adding into this world?? People all over are being poisoned with hatred because few people disagreed with each other and that spreads all around, many thanks to technology..

These are the foundation for many out there to form mobs that ends up killing another just because they aren't following the choices of the mob!! Technology and Internet can be a boon but if you choose to treat it in that manner.. Yes, you need to have an opinion and abide by it.. Doesn't mean you disregard the other's differing opinion.. Be open to them, maybe there will be something for you to learn more.. Most of us are deluded by blind belief and half baked knowledge assimilated from around.. Listening to others may give you more clarification or maybe open your eyes to the ignorance!! You don't need to accept another person's opinions if it doesn't resonate with you, but you can choose to ignore it and live with yours.. 

In this world where criticism leads to public name shame, we need to accept that there are people with different choices and thoughts.. The diversity makes the world beautiful.. And one needs to accept that just because you believe in someone or some ideology, everything about it isn't right.. There may be flaws and the criticism should be taken in the right sense to help growth!! Unless we open our eyes and minds, there's no scope for growth!! 

If the youths of today doesn't emulate tolerance, what world are we setting for the future?? We are the future, let us bear the torch to shoo away the darkness of ignorance and bring about the wave of tolerance.. After all, we've always been taught "Live and let live"!!

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For all the tantrums I threw as a child, my son throws the same and more!! 

#Parenting tales

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Realisation!!

Months of lockdown, months of staying home!! These days are a lesson, a reality unforeseen!!

These days are the ones that opened my eyes.. Showed exactly what I had.. Never realized how every little thing we had was a luxury.. Never realized that someday we wouldn't be able to enjoy the luscious greens, just gaze from afar.. 

Who imagined that people would have to stay home to stay alive??  Who imagined that the meeting of friends will only be virtual!! Who imagined that people close to you can get married, get promoted, get relocated or some even pass away, but all you can do is a virtual message?? Who imagined that the world would be brought to almost standstill by an unseen virus??

Never thought I'd be jobless, here I am, a workaholic looking to keep the mind busy.. Never thought the world would be so tough to people, I look around everywhere at people's lives that has changed drastically!! Never was the one to move to Kerala, here I am, five months and counting, just because it is safer for my clan.. 

The heart longs for people far and alone, hoping they stay safe and survive.. The heart prays for people involved in the medical community, for their kindness and service and the risk they take.. The heart sends love to people who go out of their way to make life a little less burdened for others!! The heart hopes someday times will be better again!!

Life has changed, not just for one or two, but the whole world.. It isn't fair what happened, just gave a realization that something is beyond imagination!!

These days opened my eyes.. Taught me never to take for granted anything... These days opened my eyes, told me I was blessed with enough!! I have a family that loves and cares for me, a home that keeps me safe, food on my table, clothes to wear, a son that makes my everyday joyous with his antics.. I have happiness and peace even amidst this chaos, and this realization is the best thing that the lockdown brought!!

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Everyday is a learning opportunity!!

I'm a day intelligent than yesterday but a day stupider than tomorrow!!

Keep the learning curve upward at all times!!

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You never know there's a place in your heart that could fill only when you see your child laughing!! Its so magical to just Stare when he laughs!!  Random tickles and funny sounds aid in the bouts of laughter!! With him I've realized that you actually can feel your heart melt!!!!

Closest thing to this is cuddling a furry ball!!

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The only inevitable end to life is death.. And yet we are never prepared for the inevitable..

We humans tend to hold on, tend to attach, tend to believe everything is forever.. 

We are never free until we aren't free from the fear of death!! Accept the end; life Is more beautiful when you live like you're gonna die rather than living like you'll live forever!! For once you embrace the realization of death, you will begin to live!!

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Careful of whom n what you believe.. Satan was once a beloved angel of God.. He turned people with the truth.. But the truth was partial or in a different context!! Many such Lucifer's walk around with Saintly attitude!!

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Maturity is to be the silent spectator rather than adding fuel and giving treat to the viewers..

Maturity doesn't come with age!! It comes when you take back the power from someone to stir you up and by being in control of your own emotions!!

The Woman from the other side!

I saw a glimpse of her in that fraction of a second when the door opened n shut.. Just a glimpse yet she was unforgettable!!

She seemed to be in pain, her hopelessness visible in her eyes.. She seemed to talk volumes of despair just by that glance.. She seemed to talk about how she feels, how lonely she is, how much pain she's gone through!! All this by a glance.. She seemed vulnerable, she seemed she would collapse.. She seemed so aged, her wrinkles covering her face, no trace of a smile as if she's never smiled.. She could tickle the bone of empathy in me wanting to just go and hug her, she seemed to direly need it.. Her desperation shrieking out as a cry for help through that look!! Her ghastly appearance didn't spook me as I felt these situations would!!

I don't know why her image stuck in my head, she seemed to be someone I know, her face familiar yet there was a sense of unfamiliarity in her, something so distinguished that made her unrecognizable.. It was a painful sight, can't vocalize it.. These thoughts occupying just a fraction of time before the door swiveled and I brought alive to my senses.. 

The mirror on the door reflected me, the "ME" I've been seeing daily.. But the "ME" that has changed.. The "ME" that seems to have grown weary, the unmasked "ME" that has been hidden away from the world, the vulnerable "ME" that has been stashed away by the strong "ME".. "ME" exists, time and again popping out to make it known.. The stronger "ME" convinces the weaker one that it's just a bad phase, a bad day.. Its gonna be fine, just breathe and take a day at a time!!

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Tolerating disrespect doesn't make you any great.. Giving chances isn't gonna change things either!! It just teaches them that your self worth is "NIL".. 

Stand up for yourself.. If they don't see you for what you're worth, they aren't worth your time to begin with!! 

A GIRL'S DREAM...♥

I dream a dream which I hope will

come true..

Ya you guessed it right, it's a dream of me

and you..

The dream of our wedding day,

When you will come on a white horse and take me away..

Dream of a day when you will be on your

knees proposing me..

It's my favorite dream which i love to

see...

Dream of a day when we will say "Yes, I 

do!"

That day everyone will know that you love

me and I love you too..

Dream of a day when I will be your bride

and you will be my groom..

When we will dance together in a

ballroom..

Dream of a day when I'll be in a white

dress,

and we will out of each and every

mess...

Dream of a day when I will walk down

the aisle,

Dream of the day when I will have the

world best smile ...

Dream of a day when all my dream will

come true,

That day when I finally will get u!!

Where's HER house??

From a young age, an Indian girl is taught that the house she's born in is just a temporary residence.. Her house and family is the one of her husband's..

The girl dutifully believes it and dreams of making a house at the place she gets married into.. But in that house she's been constantly reminded that it's not hers.. She's questioned on her behavior, judged on her ways of living.. She is taunted as to what did her mother teach her as if the life until marriage was supposed to be the training ground for her life after marriage..

Being at your place is the feeling of being comfortable enough to be your honest self, a place where you're not judged.. That's the kind of life most of the girls enjoy at their parents home until they get married.. But despite accepting the husband and his family as her own, his community as her own, setting forward to finally start her family and build her home, despite putting in everything she has to make her new home her own, a girl is constantly reminded that her parents are answerable for her behavior, her roots are still at her maternal house no matter how much sweat and blood she sheds for "HER" family.. 

Have you ever wondered why is a married girl questioned if she stays at her parents house over a couple of days?? Why is it a matter of concern to the world whether she chooses to stay with her parents or in-laws?? Even parents tell their daughters to go back to "HER" house after a couple of days otherwise"Log kya kahenge".. God forbid the situation where a girl leaves her marriage and seeks sanctum at her parents house and the whole world steps up to degrade her and her family, questioning her upbringing and character!! (Ask for what she suffered to take that stand before passing a verdict).. What doctrine does the world propogates expecting a girl to uproot herself from the place she's born and raised and then start life at a new place being the "perfect" person?? Why is the DIL a favorite trophy, either how PERFECT my daughter In law is or how the worst of the humans came into my life as my daughter in law!!

Can you imagine the doubt in her mind on the place she belongs?? Can you understand the dilemma she faces?? Do you feel an iota of her pain?? Maybe you'll understand your mom's and wife's plight better once you know the complex thoughts that runs in her mind.. Our mom's get a house when she gets a daughter in law home or if her husband has his own place.. I am not the one to preach to leave your parents once you get married, staying together is the best to happen.. But the thought changes drastically with the equation who is staying with whom.. If the parents stay with the son, the girl may not be judged as much as she would be if the son stays with her parents..

I know many of you think this isn't even a topic for discussion, this has been the practice since ages, why suddenly should this come as a thought!! But this is an age old practice where a girl is expected to adjust and groom herself to the family she's married into.. A girl needs her house, a place she feels liberated and unjudged, a place she can be herself without the prying eyes on her.. Open your eyes, peruse through the people you know, somewhere definitely a girl's tears will be seen!!! Give a house to a girl, she will give you a home!! I don't think anyone, be it a girl or boy, wants anything more than ending the day at your own place where you can finally be free from the obligation and be yourself, lose your inhibition and be at peace!!!