My idea of cliché love

Do guys still get you flowers??

Do guys still open doors??

Do guys still walk you on the insides of the roads??

Do guys still crack jokes,

just to get you to smile?

Do guys still travel to see you for miles??

Do guys still stay on call for hours?

Do guys still make efforts to make you feel special?

Does the cliché love ever exist?

Does characters like “Noah” limits themselves to books and screen?

Is there a “happily ever after” in reality?

Is “staying with your best friend” just a concept in fiction?

Is that fuzzy feeling of seeing someone short lived?

Does the blushes you get thinking of someone expire??

Is the promises of “forever” never true?

Is the feeling of love time bound?

Just when you think of all this to be a “No”, destiny brings you someone straight out of your head and into your life, just to make you believe that true love always exists, it just needs two people Madly in love with each other!!

Not your typical “wife” material

I’m not the sacrificial kind that will let go of my slumber to pack you three bags of tiffin!!

I’m not the kind you’ll see from 5am to 10pm in the kitchen making food round the clock to prepare a table full of food per meal!!

I’m not the kind that will be obedient and follow your instructions to the T..

I’m not the kind that will restrict my friend list to the wives of your friends (because your “girl” friends are off limits for being friends with me and as a wife I shouldn’t have any friends - be them of any gender)

I’m not the kind people call a “Susheel, sanskari bahu”

I’m not the kind to be quiet when you behave like abusing me is your birthright!!

I’m not the kind  that pays you lakhs and car to get married to you!!

I’m not the kind that will keep quiet when I see you write about paying huge alimony when the reality is that you’ve not even given me 20% of what you’ve taken from me..

I’m not the kind that makes “being your wife” the only ambition in life because “love is all that is enough to make life worthwhile, the happy family is the end and career is just a mean to the end!”

Well, I mean to say I’m not that kind “anymore”..

That relationship taught me the difference between being a wife as per the social norms and being a wife the way I wanna be!!

I’m a partner, a friend, a supporter, a fan, a help, a co parent and everything it takes to run the relationship, when I’m with the one that does the same for me!! 

I’m not that typical wife material that a man child looks for, I’m the wife material for a “man”..

(Unlike some disclaimers, none of the facts are distorted or fictional and if anyone wants to use it for defamation can and should go ahead)

In remembrance of a decade wasted 🕯️

Wait for them ♥️

For a person that makes you feel like crap, you’ll find a person that makes you feel like the centre of the universe!!

For a person that doesn’t know your favourites, you’ll find someone that learns about you and showering you with the love you crave!!

For a person that doesn’t care for you even when you’re in a situation where you’re unable to get up, you’ll find someone that notices the slightest change in your tone and expression and puts efforts to make things better for you!!

For a person that shatters your soul, you’ll find a person that instills your confidence and supports you through your dreams! 

For a person that made you question your sanity, you’ll find a person that reminds you how strong and capable you are!!

For someone who wants you to make life easy for them despite it not being convenient for you, you’ll find someone who makes life convenient and beautiful for the both of you!!

For a person that paid no attention to your passion, you’ll find someone who not only motivates you to find your passion but also supports you through it!!

For a person that couldn’t stand a conversation with you, you’ll find a person that stays hours to hear you blabber even if they don’t understand exactly what you say but the excitement on you to share keeps them glued!!

For a person that left you and shattered you at every argument, you’ll find a person that says “I’m not picking a fight with you, you share your feelings and I’ll share mine and we will fix it as we go”!

For a person that makes everyday a nightmare, you’ll find someone that makes every day a bliss!!

For a person that made you lose hope in love, you’ll find someone that is a personification of love and can’t wait to spend your life with them!!

When life gives you the former, wait for the latter, s/he always shows up!!

Life of a single mom

Not every single parent is a single parent by choice, it’s the toughest decision one makes in their life weighing the cost of having a parent removed off their child’s life against raising a happy child!! Everyday you doubt yourself if your decision is right or not, everyday you ponder if your child is having the best life s/he could have had!! 

It’s the exhaustion of doing it all, it is the pressure of being perfect, it’s is the guilt of having permanently scarred your child, it’s the motivation to do the best for your child!! It’s a lot of feelings all crumpled inside a human that can at times pull you down!!

It’s the feeing of helplessness knowing that your kid had to mature long before than what he should have!! It’s the pain you see on your kids face when he sees other kids around with two parents while you can only remind yourself that a single happy parent is better than two unhappy ones!!

It’s the guilt of not doing it all because it’s humanly impossible to do it all by yourself!! It’s providing for the family, nurturing the kid, keeping tab on routines, deadlines, exams, studies, activities, birthdays, finding your me time, finding “us” time and everything that come along and waking up next day to resume the same!!

It’s the guilt of taking a break from work to attend to the domestic chores or the guilt of allocating domestic chores to someone else bcz you can’t take a break at work!!

Life is full of guilts and letting go of the need to do it all.. But one thing I don’t feel anymore is “regret” because I know my kid wouldn’t have had a life any better if this wasn’t the path I chose!! 

The first man to have loved me!!

It’s not a hidden secret that dad’s and their daughters (especially the eldest) have a weird bond!! A dad is a daughter’s first hero!! And as Ryan Reynolds once quoted “I wouldn’t mind using my wife as a human shield to protect my child”, well that’s kind of how fiercely protective a dad is for his girl!!

My journey with my dad follows the same curve as any dad and his elder daughter!! The eldest girl gets all her ego and hot headedness from her man and they both go cats and dogs at each other!! But they both love each other to bits!!

I believe in love because my man has shown me that I am loved beyond words!! He probably never told me “I love you” but he’s never let an instance go in my growing up days where he didn’t show his love!! Simple things like getting us our favourite food, taking us out to restaurants often as a family - it was a tradition all our childhood.. Going out with dad would be a medu vada for me and masala dosa for my sister at Saroj or porotta or appam at sunny hotel, followed by a walk back home and cornetto from Satish uncles shop.. the kook Chinese place will always mean a lot bcz that’s the place my dad tricked my mom into joining us.. I vividly remember the spring roll and tomato soup I had with croutons.. my dad called up my mom who had refused to join us for the reason that she wasn’t well and didn’t want to come out.. he told her that he didn’t have money on him so plz get some cash.. and that was a complete family dinner, I don’t think my mom felt unwell after the dinner.. it never felt anything grand but now after growing up, I wish to again relive those days and this time cherish and enjoy it to the core!! 

I remember my dads trip to Dubai, he called up to ask what we wanted.. I don’t remember what my sister asked for, I asked for a makeup box.. I’m not a person who is fond of make up but maybe I was just fascinated seeing it at someone’s house.. he didn’t ask why does a six year old need make up, and I probably even forgot about it.. but he returned with toys, fancy clothes and my small little make up box.. I still have my husky toy and have never forgotten that float skirt and top with a very fancy sleeve, a type I recently found a kurta and reminded me of that top.. that make up box was used just once in its existence, it was kept away as a memoir until the floods destroyed everything!!

I always know that I could never pester my dad into something, that’s my sisters forte.. she could make puppy eyes and get my dad agree on things.. but for me, if I ever mentioned something, he would get it done even if he says no on the face of it!! I don’t even remember the many things he’s done for me because he never made it into a big deal.. 

He’s not perfect, don’t get me wrong!! He probably never remembers my birthday even now.. he might not even wish me or just mutter “happy birthday” in the passing.. But he doesn’t stop making each day special.. when I craved for sweet potato during my pregnancy, he bought it from somewhere even though it wasn’t in season!! Everytime he comes from kerala, he asks what do I want!! More often than not I don’t really need anything but he ends up getting things beyond what I have mentioned and those are things I actually would have craved for!! To put things into perspective, his visit today was with a bag full of tapioca, plantain and tender coconut straight from the farm, and his apology is that he had to keep back half the things since he exceeded the luggage capacity.. and he did not forget the banana chips I asked for, added mixture  too to the bag.. 

I know what is love because he’s loved me.. and it’s not about the things he does for me, it is also about giving me the space to be me.. although, given a choice, he would definitely want me way different from who I am now!! But he loves me nonetheless.. despite our disagreements, he still cares for me and looks out for me.. 

I don’t think he’s a perfect husband though, but he showers love on the people in his life to the core, be it us or our mom.. the man he was while we were growing up is very different from the man he is now, and the man he is now is a very evolved and better person than the man he was while hustling to set up our lives!! 

I love this man bcz he has struggled all his life and even now he’s not fully at rest!! And yet, he is changing his ways and thoughts and behaviour to be a better human being rather than wanting the people around him to accustom themselves to him!! He’s a human with his shortcomings, but everytime I see the picture of my parents giggling, smiling and coyly hugging each other and my mom blushing, even after 35 years of marriage, they give relationship goals.. a man that has slogged hard, a woman that stood by him (even when things were not what she wanted) and together they now stand proof to a happy marriage, a marriage I wish everyone has, a marriage with struggles but partners that stands for each other and triumph together, a marriage where they have petty fights but many laughters, stories and can’t stand a day apart without talking to each other!!

This man taught me not to settle for anyone less than a man that can love me the way he loves, treat me with the care he gives, provide and nurture me, support me the way he does!! And that’s the love I manifest because I’ve been loved by this man and even if I forgot it for a brief while, he still does love me and pamper me the way he did when I was a toddler crawling all over him!! It’s a known truth and a pinch on my sister, my dad loves me more than he loves her, he loves me more than he loves anyone including my own kid.. but he loves all of them  as much as anyone can ever love someone!! I’m just a bit on a pedestal because he probably spoils me more than he spoils anyone else!! He’s afterall the first man to have really loved me!!

The greatest of them is Love!

To be loved is to be accepted for who you are without expecting you to change into the person they want you to be!!

It is to help you identify your shortcomings without criticising!!

It is to help improve you without keeping tabs on the favours they confer!!

It is to be treated with dignity and respect!!

It is to celebrate your small joys!!

It is to being your pillar of strength when you are weak!!

It is to restore your hope in the goodness in the world when you have lost all hopes!!

It is to reinstate your dreams and show you how you can achieve it!!

It is to giving newer hopes and dreams for yourself!!

It is to forgive your shortcomings and not hold you accountable for faltering!!

It is to give you your space for feeling safe and comfortable!!

To love is to keep your ego and anger aside for your person!!

It is to finding a solution with each other and not against each other!!

It is to to be a listening ear, a helping hand, a comforting word, a friend, a guide and whatever the situation asks of you!!

It is to accepting that it isn’t 50-50 business, but a 100-100; when you can’t give it all the other person fills your share and you do the same to them in their lows!! 

It is being committed to working on the relationship when difficulties arise rather than quitting it at the onset!!

It is the trust you build in the other person!!

It is to work on your flaws and improve yourself!!

It is to accepting differences respectfully!!

It is to be consistent in your efforts and not take the other person for granted!!

To love and be loved is to grow individually as well as together towards the common vision envisioned!!

Love is a small world but the essence that keeps humanity from perishing!!

Spread love ♥️

The taboo of “Divorce”

It was 15th of July 2022 when I got the message stating “the decree has been passed”.

I thought I’d feel relieved, I’d feel overwhelmed, I’d feel ecstatic!! But to my surprise, I didn’t feel anything!! It was just another passing information, another list of things to do for me, for me to change my identity once again!!

The four years leading to the decree had seen me passing through all stages of grief!

Started off as shock and denial - it couldn’t be an end!! We’ve been having issues for years and we’ve had episodes where I was discarded and threatened with a divorce but I always went back!! So this time too it felt like this wasn’t an end but would have me going back to him! (So glad I decided to end the cycle) Afterall all that I had in life was the family I had made and I had to make it work!! (Thankfully I decided to make a happy family for the only person that mattered)

Then it was followed by pain and guilt!! The pain of having lost a decade, lost the life I had built in my head, the dream I dreamt of living!! I was filled with guilt and shame, how would I tell the world that I no more am married? How do I tell my son that he has just a parent that will be with him?? 

Once the pain subsided, Anger and bargaining took place.. anger at myself for staying too long in toxicity, bargained that if he loves you, he will understand your point of view and will also be willing to take steps to make it work!! Anger is best described as the mask of pain!! Because it’s easier to be angry at the world than discard that mask and show how hurt you are!! It’s easier to make the world hate you for your anger and justify being alone than having people walk over you over and over and put you through pain every time you open up!!

Depression was the close runner where I believe I haven’t seen the people in my house for days, haven’t spoken a word to anyone, barely ate, barely slept, always was either bawling or too tired to even shed a tear!! It went sadly for a bit too long!! Couple it with the lockdown and loss of job, it felt like the pit being dug deeper and deeper!! But I can’t thank the people enough that put it efforts out of their way to help me up!! Fortunately we could go to kerala during the time, it was such a gathering with everyone at home, cousins celebrating Onam, Diwali and Christmas, eating together almost everyday with someone or the other cooking “specials”, exploring nature and making core memories!! It was beautiful!! I had people that called me weekly just to say “beta, tu theek hai nA?” (Kiddo, you ok right?).. there were friends who kept and still keep pumping me with motivation every time they realise I am falling low!! And many of them no more are in touch on a regular basis but they’ve been my pillars when I needed them and I can’t thank the Heavens enough for having brought them to my life!!

Upward turn was the only way out!! Once all the motivation came in, life had no other place to go but towards the better!! And there I took the difficult step of investing a year and decently good enough money to get myself enrolled for higher education!! Lo and behold, #inkedbySPJ became true!! And in this duration, I also understood that the fantasy of “he will realise how much I love him and will want to work on this marriage” doesn’t hold true!! I heard the stories coming from far and wide and decided that the one that makes no effort to even be a part of his kid’a life but can go to any extent to destroy mine can never ever keep my son safe and happy!! That decision is all it took to sit down at the table to ask for a divorce! If I did have a chance, I’d fight for what i rightfully deserve but all that mattered was to close the chapter even if it meant agreeing to his terms one last time in my life!! 

Reconstruction and working through happened once the steps towards the right direction was taken!! Got a job, got financially, physically and emotionally secure!! Got a bunch of people I know for sure wants to see me soar and has my back at all times, found my tribe, my voice, my identity and my life!! 

Acceptance and hope happened even before the decree came!! I accepted the end of a decade that I would term “the unhappiest marriage ever possible” and I know and hope for the happiness I know I deserve!! 

Sometimes it does feel bad, but it’s ok to be sad at times than having sadness as life!! Once you move towards the peak, you have a difficult path to cross, but the view from the top is worth the struggle!! And life is always the journey to reach the top, and the journey hasn’t been easy but it was made enjoyable with the right people at every stage of life!!

So when I received that decree on the 15th of July 2022, it didn’t feel anything great because I did experience a plethora of emotions to reach there and I not once will doubt that decision because in no universe would this work unless both of us were born with different personalities!! So it was the best decision and the glimmer of happiness on a daily basis keeps reminding me how it indeed was the best thing to do!!

About myself

Well, the task given me was to introduce myself in a para to welcome me to the official group!! That’s when I began to wonder who exactly I am!!

I know the typical one minute elevator pitch i perfected during the one year of PG life and I can recite it without a second thought!! But beyond the muscle memory, the conscious thought took a hold today!! 

I’m a person that has evolved with a personality which has been influenced by all the people that have passed through my life!! Every time I listen to a few songs or artists, I remember the person that has introduced them to me!! Food habits of mine are influenced by the people I’ve been with, ordering a plate of nachos reminds me of my bestie that made loaded nachos a regular bite!! My habits, my thoughts, my beliefs are influenced by the people that raised me and the people I’m around!! My beliefs are challenged at times which makes me change it when I feel I’m wrong!! My parenting style keeps changing based on situation and what I have come across as something I should incorporate!!

I’m a constant work in progress, someone that is different from the person I was a decade ago, someone that is different from the person I will be a decade hence!! I have become better in many areas, become adamant in some, become worse in some, but it’s a constant process!! People still rub their music, food, places preferences on me and I adapt to it without a second thought!! People don't always stay for a lifetime but their influence becomes a part of you that stays with you for long!! And certain times you recognise the habits you've picked up from others, fondly remember the person and quietly move on with your life, or drop in a message to the person and connect with them if you're still in touch!! 

So who am I? I am a person that has become who I am by the influence of the people, situations and choices that has passed by, and I am proud of the person I am constantly growing into!!

Motherhood

How do I describe the feeling that motherhood brings?

 

The very first time I saw a tiny form covered in blood being taken away from me, it did not sink in that this being would become the most important being in my life.

 

I wouldn't say that my heart was overwhelmed with joy and love seeing him the first time, all I wanted to do was sleep!! 

 

When I woke and reality sunk in, I saw a tiny being in a bassinet near me - unlike the cute baby pics I have seen - a wrinkly being in an oddly white color!! 

 

When I could not feed him in the first two days, it felt like a failure!! But then when he got admitted due to jaundice in just 3 days of being outside me, I realised that maternal instincts had kicked in!! I could not leave his side, could not see him hurt!! 

 

Then came the bittersweet relationship - can't wait for someone else to take him for a few hours just to get some sleep and the restlessness when he is away and wanting him by my side the minute he is gone!!

 

 Over the years we grew closer to each other - understanding each other and finding a manner of cohabitating with love and smiles!!

 

From taking care of him to him understanding my needs and being outrightly caring, I see that my baby is growing up and he is growing up well!!

 

From his toothless grins to his detailed explanation of his outlook on life - I am proud of the person he is growing up to be!!

His conversations are engaging, he has a reason for everything, he is independent enough to take care of himself, knows his routines and keeps tabs on his own schedule!! He enjoys our trips, and it is no more me caring for him at a different location, but two people enjoying the experience together! I did not expect my kid to grow up this quick!!

 

The last 8 years have had its shares of ups and downs - there are many things I wished I could do differently, there are many things I wished I could do again, there are many things I wished I could have done sooner!! But one thing I know for sure, I wouldn't have life any different than the one I have now - because it is this life that gave me the blessing to be a mom of this sweetheart!!

 

 

"Mi Amor, Mi Vida, Mi Fuerza, Mi Hijo"

 

Growing up

You know you are growing up when your regular 11 pm movie dates are now rescheduled to ensure you are home latest by 11 pm!!

 

You know you are growing up when you don't give more attention to your attire when you step out to shop rather the list of things you wish to accomplish in a single trip!!

 

You know you are growing up when you don't do things to make someone else happy, rather do things that make you happy!! 

 

You know you are growing up when money credited makes you immediately calculate the liabilities to be cleared and the investments to be made over the excitement to celebrate.

 

You know you are growing up when business parlance becomes your language of communication over the informal communication style!!

 

You know you are growing up when you realise that you cannot call on to someone else for the errands in the house rather learn to do it yourself - from fixing a faulty tap to shooing away mice from the house!!

 

You know you are growing up when weekends are all about completing tasks and catching on to the sleep pending during the week!!

 

You know you are growing up when you look for ways to save some bucks!!

 

You know you are growing up when you no more call out "mummy / daddy" but step up and do things yourself!!

 

You know you are growing up when the days you don't come home exhausted feels like an accomplishment.

 

You know you are growing up when an extended weekend makes you excited!!

 

You know you are growing up when your birthday does not excite you as much as planning your kid's does!!

 

Growing older is definite, growing up is a choice!! And I know I am growing up since I am proud of the person I have become!! 

 

My tiff with Divinity

God and I had a very personal connection while growing up!! Somehow I always felt blessed in every sense of the world and it was all bestowed upon me and not my own being!!

I am blessed with a healthy body, a smart mind, a loving family, decently good looks, pleasant personality and an ability to gel well!! None of these things were learnt by me nor was anything strived for!! It was all given to me!!

But when the only thing that I worked hard for, that I put my whole heart into failed to work out, I lost my connect with God!! I blamed the supreme power for that failure, that pain, that torture!! I blamed Him/Her for putting me through something S/He knew had no future!! I stopped praying!! The only conversation was “why did you put me through this pain? Why do I have to go through this torture? Why do I go through his heart break and feel my heart break every moment?? Why do I have to deal with the after shock even years into the main event??”

And I hated the Almighty and thought this lovers tiff is permanent!!

And then my therapist told me to start maintaining a gratitude journal!! From “I stayed alive today” to a list flowing through a page, life has brought me to a realisation that I have too many things I take for granted which are blessings when viewed through someone else’s perspective!! And I should be grateful for what I have!!

This has brought me back into a connection with God!! And this time I also would say that it’s just Grace that I have become who I am!! If I found strength during adversity, it’s because I found the right people that stood by me and brought me up!! And nobody would have been there had there not been someone above that brought them there at the first place!! 

From strangers to being my support, these people helped me up!! And I have faced adversity, standing strong and ready for every challenge!! The confidence I have is gifted, the resilience I boast about is given by the strength that’s given to me when the scripture tells me “I’m there”!! 

Yeah, we do have a shaky relationship, and that’s true for every relationship!! But I guess this tiff helped me get closer and understand God a bit better!!

Fortune favours the brave

When life seems to be a hell, there are many options that falls before us:

* either we burn inside the fire

* either we learn to live with the fire

* or we learn to raise ourselves up from the fire!!

And the greatest courage a person needs is the bravery to step up and out from the Hell that life has become!!

It doesn’t mean that walking out is easy: it is painful, the scars take a lifetime to heal; it takes a lot of efforts to unlearn life and relearn it and make it something drastically different from the life that you were accustomed to!!

It requires a conscious choice to understand what happened to you, take the help to heal and then move on to the next path in life!!

It is a very time consuming process because you need to unlearn the life you’ve had!! You need to unlearn living with fear!! You need to unlearn looking over your shoulder!! You need to unlearn that anxiety!! You need to unlearn life as you got trained into over a long period of time!!

And when you unlearn, you realise how messed up your life had become!! You realise how much you were living life in a wrong manner!! You realise how it messed up not just your emotional health but also your physical one!!

And then you take those baby steps towards undoing life!!

You do something that becomes a first step towards correcting your life!! I took a degree, ended relationships that didn’t work for me, took help for my emotional well being and some bits here and there!!

And it feels so good seeing life unfurl in a better manner, feels satisfying to have bagged a good job, feels confident standing up for yourself!!

And it’s an exhilarating and liberating feeling!!

You realise that the years have been life changing and the Hell actually helped you become stronger and resilient!! And you become confident enough to face any adversity that falls your way!!

All it needs is that first step, the first step through your uncertainty, the first step through your fears, the first step through the indecisiveness!! Because the path automatically reveals when you take that step of faith.. And that path always leads to greatness!!

The forever partner I no more want

It’s not an easy task to identify these episodes but over the years I’ve begun to understand when this friend of mine makes a visit!! 

My first “realisation” started with my PPD!! It’s one of the worst phases I’ve been in my life!! The phase where I almost ended up a recluse, went into hiding - hiding from the world and myself!! I couldn’t identify myself, couldn’t understand what I was going through, asked for help but got criticised instead which made it even worse!! I’ve had episodes which I regret for life, because the victim of PPD is always the kid!! Somehow I could get a grip on myself and the urge to protect my child became my only source of sanity!!

These episodes got worse over time since life took a turn for the worst!! When the people that were to protect me turned to be the ones that hurt me in every sense, it was difficult to fathom that reality!! When the promise of “till the last breath” got replaced by “get out of my life, I’m done with you”, the fears of abandonment started taking roots!! “You’re useless, why don’t you die” added on every alternate days pushed me into being suicidal!! When I felt unheard, unloved and being avoided became everything I was facing on a daily basis for years, it pushed me further into recluse!!

It felt such a pressure to be normal and happy in front of others!! I couldn’t even tell my truth to the world because the “social image” I made for myself was that of “a happy life” but the reality was that I tried to remind myself of those happy moments since they were too few and too infrequent!! Since it was the life I chose for myself, it felt even more pressurised to portray that I made the right choice!! 

I don’t even know when and how I started slipping!! For years I drowned and nobody realised!! I doused those inner voices by immersing in mindless scrolling and binging on tv!! The long nights when there’s nothing to do became a nightmare!! Pulling through the day was doable because life is on a clock!! But the silence of the nights were greeted by the muffled screams into the pillows or a breakdown on the bathroom floors!! If felt like two separate personalities in me, the one that is fine and happy and social, the other that can’t wait to have the first one for a longer period of time!!

Luckily for me, (I believe it is the faith that I grew up in,) I felt the strength to stand up firm!! Yeah, I did have the rush to “prove them I’m alright” going on and so I did everything to set my life back on tracks!! I did spend about two years crying, feeing sorry for the life I couldn’t have, for all the collateral damages of the fight!! I saw my reputation being tarnished by the one that was “supposed” to be my protector!! And I couldn’t even react or respond to it, because “just because they stoop down doesn’t mean you stoop down to their level”!!

But once the strength hit, it made me feel good!! The  episodes reduced!! And now when there’s absolutely nothing to do, I finally am dealing with the residuals and realities of the decade long fight that I had fought!! And the trick my therapist taught me which I found the most helpful is “replace the word should”!!

“He “should” have loved me” becomes “it would be good if he would love me but he is not obligated to do it”

“They should have supported me” to “it would be better if they would support me but I can do it myself even if they don’t”

“I should be a good mother” to “I will strive to be a better mother than yesterday”

Everytime I removed the obligation on others and on myself, it felt a sense of liberation.. I hurt all these years because I felt people wronged me, people didn’t stand up for me, I didn’t stand up to the societal standards!! But these are self inflicted expectations which didn’t materialise and I punished myself for all these years because of some standards I set for myself!!

I’m not completely healed, this friend of mine makes occasional visits to remind me but all the sessions have helped me take the upper hand now!! I do have multiple of these friends - anxiety, depression, panic attacks!! But their grip on me is slowly off and I find myself in the happier personality more often than not and my second personality is super proud for not making the visit too often!!

We all go through life altering events, could be childhood trauma, could be adulthood issues, a broken marriage, childlessness or death of one, physical ailments, employment issues - the spectrum is too wide and any or many of them together can break us!! And it is very essential that we realise how weak and vulnerable we are and take the steps needed to help us navigate through life!!

Here’s to healing those damaged parts within ourselves 🥂

The magic of forgiveness!!

The biggest challenge for any person ever is to “forgive”!

I mean, sounds easy but so difficult to practice!! But how can you forgive someone that destroyed you intentionally?? How can you forgive someone that lied to your face?? How can you forgive someone that hurt you- physically and emotionally?? How can you forgive someone that manipulated you?? How can you forgive someone that ruined “trust” for you?? How can you forgive someone that sent you for therapy for life?? How can you forgive someone that put you into a life term association with depression, anxiety and gave you trust issues and a fear of abandonment??

Never ever was my answer !!

But I realised that I could do it!! 

Despite what happened to me, I could pray for them!! I could pray that they get better!! I wouldn’t lie, I’m no saint so I did wish for horrible things on them during my loudest cries!! But as those cries settled, I realised that bad things happening to others doesn’t make my life better in any manner!! Wishing bad on others doesn’t make me happy!! Seeing others in pain doesn’t give me peace!! Rather it hurts me!! 

Those that hurts you does so because of their lack of conscience!! They will not regret anything because they’ve not wronged anyone in their conscience!! So bad things happening to them will not put them in any after thought!!

The longer I held on to my pain, the longer I had others in control of my life!! And I don’t want anyone to have that control on me!! Anger and hatred doesn’t destroy anyone but ourselves!!

And so I let go!! Call it karma, call it Gods wrath, call it anything; if they’re meant to face the music of their actions, they will! “Consequential punishment” will happen if and when it’s to happen!! I don’t need to hold on to the grudge, the hatred, the pain!! Because I learnt that I could move on and get better only once I’d forgiven! 

And I did!! And it brought peace, it brought more rigour in me to set my life straight!! Because I didn’t want to have a better life to shown anyone down but because I have the capability in me and I deserve a better life!!

As a friend of mine told me, “you have the will power, you can make things happen if you want to!”, that will power needed the entire energy I have and couldn’t waste it brooding over negativity!!

They say forgive and forget, well to forget is impossible !! That will always stay a scar in life!! Doesn’t mean it will hurt, it stays a reminder of what you’ve endured, a reminder of your strength, a reminder of your resilience, a reminder of your spirit of fighting, a reminder of your walk into victory!!

Seeking help!!

If you know me, you’d know how much of a happy life I have!! I am definitely blessed, doing well, have an amazing child, supportive parents, an amazing family, super fun friends, on my way to achieve all the dreams I have had and doing pretty well in life!!

And yet, in those long days and even longer nights, I still feel helpless!! I don’t have a desire to get out of the bed!! I don’t eat nor sleep!! I don’t even shower to be honest!! And I postpone everything I should be doing!! The only thing that gets my energy back is having my kiddo around and having some place to be or some activity to do!!

I understand that keeping myself occupied is my way of staying sane and having nothing to do drives me crazy!! I know, it’s kinda the dream of many to have days where you can afford to do nothing!! But guess I like those days in between the busy days!! Uncertainty of “how many more such days” kills me from inside!!

Reminded me of all the things I loved doing and yet don’t do anymore despite having days at my disposal!! Have hours and yet don’t watch the movie I have been wanting to watch!! Arranged my books but didn’t pick out one to read in the whole week!! Started organising but have left things scattered instead of putting them away!! That brought out the thought, guess something is very wrong with me and I need help!!

This identification that we need help is something we lack in our lives!! We feel that when everything is going well, there’s no reason to feel sad or empty!! But these feelings happen!! And that’s when we need to ask for help!! Something that I am trying to fit in is make a schedule, have a routine and follow it like clock work!! And make up plans to catch up with as much people as possible since I’ve understood that people make me happy, loner isn’t my comfort zone!!

Maybe there are people out there too who are going through similar emotions!! There would be people not realising something is wrong or maybe they’ve realised it but unable to take any steps to getting help!! 

Dear friend,

I know it is difficult to ask for help, to accept your vulnerability especially when you’ve been strong for a long part of your life!! Maybe it’s time to stop being strong and take that rest, take that helping shoulder, the ears to listen to your version of life!! It’s when you’ve been too strong for a long time that your inner self gives way!! They’re tired!! Give them rest!!! You’re sure to soar back in your strength!! You don’t have to be vulnerable in front of everyone, just find that right safe space!! A therapist, counsellor, a friend: find what works for you!! But do take that help!! Because there’s nothing heroic about battling alone and losing it at the end!! 

I was talking to a friend today about movies and that I like SRK.. N accidentally stumbled upon Dear Zindagi on YouTube.. I'd watched it when it released, but long forgotten.. Now when I watched it again: the words of Jug is exactly what I need, what we need.. 

Seeking help isn't wrong, and there's no one size fits all concept!! Each of us dealing with our issues needs to find that right glove that helps us!!

I hope you do find your strength to ask for help if and when you need it!! There’s nobody that can be strong all through!! And you don’t have to be an exception!!

Let’s strive to accept the importance of mental health and work on improving it!!